Clan Nicas - KOL

The f'c'le

2007-12-05T15:51:00.000-06:00

Al ganar la pelea de insultos, se tiene acceso a The F'c'le

The Obligatory Pirate's Cove

Back to the Mysterious Island of Mystery

You're fighting a cleanly pirate

This pirate is obsessed with hygiene and grooming. His fingernails are always dirt-free, his hair always neatly washed and combed, and his skin scrubbed to ruddy perfection. He'd stand out in any crowd of people, but on a filthy pirate vessel he's like a gold tooth in a vat of motor oil.
It's rumored, incidentally, that his obsession with cleanliness comes from always playing second fiddle to his childhood friend, the godly pirate.

You get the jump on him.

Swabbie™ swab

This is a small cotton swab designed to clean out the ears of pirates. Why do you need a special swab for that? Well, it's got a specially curved handle so it doesn't get caught on earrings, and it's got a little piece of carrot on one end to distract any parrots that might be on you shoulder while you're cleaning out your ears.

Type: usable
Selling Price: 35 Meat.

You're fighting a creamy pirate

This pirate is practically smothered in various creams. He slathers on various unguents for everything from dry skin to missing limbs. No one knows why he does it -- maybe he was born under a bad sign. He usually spends his time hanging out in a white room with black curtains, far from the sunshine of your love, but today he's passing the time on the pirate ship before he dances the night away.

You get the jump on him.

creamsicle

This is a pirate popsicle you pirated from a pirate. One end of the stick says "What does a pirate put on toast?" You'll have to eat the popsicle to read the answer.

Type: food
Level required: 3
Selling Price: 55 Meat.

Oil of Parrrlay

"Parrrlay" is a special pirate term for a meeting where two hostile pirate parties can talk things over peaceably, without all the maiming and killing that usually would ensue. This oil, according to the label, "be as smooth and soothing as a good parrrlay. If ye rubs it on your face first thing in the mornin', ye'll be ready for whatever the unforgiving sea should throw at ye."

Type: usable
Selling Price: 55 Meat.

ball polish

You giggle as you read the back of this tube of cream: "Apply liberally to balls. Rub balls vigorously until desired level of shininess is achieved, being careful not to break balls with excessive force. To avoid sticky balls, remove all excess polish with a damp cloth when finished."

Type: usable
Cannot be traded
Cannot be discarded
Quest Item

cream stout

This is a bottle of creamy, thick beer. You're not sure what makes it "stout." Maybe it's just warning you that you'll get fat if you drink too many of them. I mean, it's pretty much a liquid loaf of bread.

Type: booze
Level required: 3
Selling Price: 55 Meat.

You're fighting a clingy pirate

As you wander the deck of the pirate ship, a female pirate walks up and grabs you by the arm. "There you are, honey!" she says.
"Yup, here I am," you reply, "and I really should be continuing this quest, so I'll just --"
She tightens her grip. "Where are you going? How long will you be gone? I'll miss you! Do you have your cell phone with you? Don't look at any other pirates, okay?"
You make another attempt to pry her off of your arm, and she bursts into tears. "I see how you are! You just aren't invested in this relationship, are you?"
"What relationshi-- ow!"

You get the jump on her.

bit of clingfilm

This is a bit of clingfilm -- a translucent unit of joy glinting softly in the moonlight. Who knows what happy purpose you might put it to? Perhaps a turtle.

Type: usable
Selling Price: 60 Meat.
Cannot be traded

You're fighting a chatty pirate

So, the other day I was standing here on the ship, looking out at the ocean, and then another pirate walked up and looked at the ocean with me for a while, and then he walked away. Then I went down to the galley and ate lunch -- it was nothing fancy, just some hardtack and grog -- I wonder why they call it hardtack, anyway? I guess it's hard because it's dehydrated, but I'm not sure where the 'tack' part comes from. Anyway, I finished lunch, then I went upstairs and stared at the ocean some more, and then...

You get the jump on him.

You're fighting a curmudgeonly pirate

This pirate wants you to get off of his lawn, even though there isn't a lawn on the ship, as far as you can see. He's also not fond of the hippity-hoppity music you kids today are listening to, and wishes to remind you that when he was your age, he knew how to respect his elders.
He's the ship's janitor, so he spends most of the day leaning on a mop and saying "back in my day," to anyone who will listen.

You get the jump on him.

Lucha de Insultos!

2007-12-05T15:26:00.000-06:00

"You're more pathetic than a toothless watchdog!"
"I'm not really comfortable being compared to your girlfriend that way."

"My skill with the blade makes men like you green with envy!"
"I'd've thought yellow would be more your color."

"Many wretches like ye have challenged me, but not one of them has succeeded!"
"It only seems that way because you haven't learned to count to one."

Luego contra Ricket

"However -- Arrr, the power of me serve'll flay the skin from yer bones!"
"Obviously neither your tongue nor your wit is sharp enough for the job."

"The streets will run red with yer blood when I'm through with ye!"
"I'd've thought yellow would be more your color."

Y el resultado es....

Results:

"I'd've thought yellow would be more your color."

You laugh as Rickets' eyes widen and he fumbles the shot. The ball bounces high, and you spike it forcefully back to his side of the table, where it lands in one of his cups with a resounding splot!

"Souse me for a gurnet," mutters Rickets, the color draining out of his face. "That be the devil's own backspin, and no mistaking it!" His resolve is clearly broken, and the rest of the game goes quickly. Soon the other pirates are cheering and lifting you up on their shoulders, proclaiming you to be the new master of insult beer pong.

Huzzah!

After a few victory laps atop the ocean of revelers, you swagger back over to Cap'm Caronch's table, flush with your victory. "Well, now, Mr. Fancypants," you say, "what do you think of that?"

"Truly, 'twas a most impressive display of verbal prowess," the Cap'm says. "I suppose ye'll be wanting to be inducted into my crew now, eh?"

"Well, actually, I was thinking of going pro on the Insult Beer Pong circuit. Maybe I don't need you and I don't need your crew! What do you think about that?"

"I think," Caronch says, "that there be no such thing as the Insult Beer Pong circuit. So I wish ye good luck, and I'm glad to be rid of ye."

"Wait," you say, "I'm sorry. The rigors of your interview process just had me burned out a little. Please may I join your crew?"

"Well, all right," the Cap'm says, "ye can board the ship and report to the F'c'le for your assignments."

"The what?"

"Well, it's actually called the Forecastle, but we pirates are so busy that we usually just call it the Fo'csle. Me and me crew are even busier than that, so..."

"Got it." you say. "So, what am I going to do in the F'c'le?"

"Well," the Cap'm replies, "for yer insolence, I'll be givin' ye the most menial tasks I can think of. Ye'll have to swab the mizzenmast, polish the cannonballs, and shampoo the rigging before ye'll be a full-fledged member of my crew."

"Do I have to wear some kind of humiliating outfit while I do it?" you ask.

"Great Mike Nesmith, no!" the Cap'm says. "We may be no-good, thieving, lying brigands, but we're not frat boys!"

"Oh," you say, slightly disappointed. "Okay, point me to the ship and I'll get to work."

Adventure Again (Barrrney's Barrr)

Back to the Obligatory Pirate's Cove

Aventurando en Barrrney's Barrr

2007-12-04T16:52:00.000-06:00

Comenzando con las aventuras en Barrrney's Barrr

Get Real

You belly up to the barrr and take a seat on one of the barrrstools. The barkeep, Paddy, eyes you suspiciously. He must have seen that you don't have the typical pirate's drunken-drag-queen walk. "What's yer poison?" he asks. It occurs to you that in a place like this, that question's pretty important.
"I'll just have a virgin calle de miel," you say.
"Virgin?" Paddy says, and laughs in an entirely unpleasant fashion. "The only thing virgin in here are those nerdy pirates over there!" He gestures to a corner where a group of pimply-faced, bespectacled pirates are rolling dice with way too many sides. You decide to see what they're up to.
"Okay, so you're sitting in your cubicle," one of the nerdy pirates says, "your boss comes in and tells you that you have to make a spreadsheet for a meeting tomorrow."
"My +1 Cloak of Procrastination enables me to successfully avoid working on the project until the last minute," another of the nerdy pirates answers. "I'm going to surf the internet for funny cat pictures."
"What are you guys doing?" you ask.
"It's this great game called Cubicles and Conference Calls, or C&CC," one of the nerds answers, pushing his glasses up on his nose. "It takes place in a fantastic world where there's no magic, no monsters, and you're not allowed to beat people up and take their stuff. It's really, really cool."
"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard," you say. "You guys should really get out into the real world instead of spending all your time on this ridiculous fantasy crap. Why don't you go try and meet some girls?"
"We, uh, we don't know anything about girls. Girls scare us. I'd rather deal with a C.E.O., a Middle Manager, and a Nosy Coworker than talk to a girl!"
You decide that someone has to help these poor, deluded kids. You spend the next hour teaching them the ins and outs (heh heh) of the fine art of wenching, finally watching with pride as they talk to women for the first time in their lives. Moxious!

You gain 60 Sarcasm.

Adventure Again (Barrrney's Barrr)

Go back to The Obligatory Pirate's Cove

Luego vamos con las aventuras del pirata

You and the Cap'm Make it Hap'm

You wander through the barrr, avoiding a pair of pirates who are arrrm wrestling, dodging darrrts, and looking for a quiet carrrner where you can sit down for a while and try to get rid of some of the extra 'r's you've picked up. You brush by a pirate sitting in an underlit booth, his face hidden by shadow. Which, given what you've seen of the pirates so far, is probably for the best.
"Hey there, swabbie," he whispers, grabbing your elbow. "Do ye want to hear a tale of blood-curdling terror and betrayal most foul? A tale born in the salty maw of the merciless sea? A tale that's -- well, really unpleasant, I guess, would be the main point I'm trying to make here."
"No thanks," you say, "I was just looking for the bathroom."
"Be ye sure?" he says. "It's a pretty entertaining tale, and then at the end of it, I say 'and it's all true, so swears Cap'm Caronch, so swears I on me life,' and then I squints at ye and I pull this out as proof." He rolls out a scroll of parchment across the table. You see a land mass drawn on the paper, with a dotted line that marks a trail. You bend over to get a closer look.
"So, Billy's mom told him to come straight home after school, but he went all over town instead," you say, and sigh. "That's pretty impressive."
"Arrr, that be the wrong parchment! Here, here be the right one. See, it's a treasure map. What do ye make of it?"
"Well, I can make a hat, or a little boat, or a pterodactyl with --"
"Belay that bilgewater! This be a treasure map, and if ye will follow it and find the treasure I seek, ye can join my crew. What say ye?"

You acquire an item: Cap'm Caronch's Map

Adventure Again (Barrrney's Barrr)

Al usar el mapa, hay que enfrentarse a un Booty Crab, el cual nos da el Cap'm Caronch's Chest. Al llevarlo a Barrrney's, obtenemos:

This Adventure Bites

You place the nasty treasure chest on the table in front of Cap'm Caronch. He inspects it suspiciously, then smiles a broad, toothless smile. He catches your reaction to his grotesque gums and grimaces alliteratively.
"Yarr, yes, this be me nasty booty, and I thank ye for retrievin' it," he says. "I trust it wasn't too bootylicious for ye to handle." He sighs, rests his chin in his hands, and continues, "but as you can see, I have other things on me mind than treasure at the moment. The other night I went over to the frat house for a keggarrr, and sometime during the night some bilge rat hit me over the head with a shingle and knocked me out! When I came back to me senses, me wooden teeth were gone. I can't face me crew without 'em -- think of the jokes they'd make!"
"So," you say, "I suppose there's no chance you'll get up and walk the half mile to the frat house, ask for your teeth back, and meet me back here?"
"Well, I'd love to do just as ye say," the Cap'm responds, "but me bum knee has been acting up, and I think I might be comin' down with a bit of a cold, and I still haven't gotten me land legs back..."
"All right, fine," you say, and sigh. "I'll go get your teeth back from the frat boys, if you promise that we can go after that."
"Upon me word as a pirate," the Cap'm says. "Here be the blueprints for the frat house, so ye can conduct a proper search."

You acquire an item: Orcish Frat House blueprints

Adventure Again (Barrrney's Barrr)

Al usarlo obtenemos

You hike over to the Orcish Frat House and hide in the bushes. You look over the blueprints, and see several approaches to getting in and getting Cap'm Caronch's dentures back.

You can dress up like a frat boy and try to waltz right in the front door, you could pretend to be delivering something and get them to let you in the side door, or you could go all Pink Panther on it and sneak through the backyard

Al intentar el ataque frontal, obtenemos

You march up to the front door of the frat house and knock loudly. A muscle-bound frat orc opens it, looks at you, sees that you're not a frat boy, and does what frat boys do best -- beating up people who aren't frat boys.

You lose 82 hit points.

Al usar la puerta lateral, obtenemos

You knock on the side door of the frat house, and a shifty-looking frat orc with dark glasses cracks it open.

"Hey, you're not Dave. Dave's hair is business in the front, party in the back, bra. Blocko, we've got an unwanted visitor, here. Can you show him the way out?"

Blocko, who turns out to be a gigantic, angry, muscle-bound frat orc shows you the way out. He shows some of your teeth the way out, too.

You lose 111 hit points.

Y al usar Catburgle obtenemos

You manage to make it about halfway to the frat house before you're accosted by a wandering drunk frat orc. "Hey, who are you!?" he slurs, "And what are you doing in our yard, bra?"

"I'm... uhh... a new pledge," you reply, "and I'm out here cleaning up the, umm, all-male oil-wrestling pit, because, uhh, Brett told me to."

"I don't think so, bra," he counters. "When Brett makes some lowly scumbag pledge clean something, he makes that pledge wear a maid's outfit. Do you see a frilly skirt on you, bra? I sure don't."

Then the orc apparently knocks you unconscious and throws your limp form over the back wall. At least... you hope that's all that he did, in retrospect.

You lose 103 hit points.

Usando el Frat Boy Ensemble, tomando el Asalto frontal

You march up to the front door of the frat house and knock loudly. A muscle-bound frat orc opens it, and before he can speak, you say "Thanks for hookin' a bra up, bra. I totally lost my key, bra." and shuffle past him.

Once you're inside the frat house, it's a simple matter of making your way down to the basement and retrieving Caronch's dentures from the frat boys' ridiculous trophy case.

You acquire an item: Cap'm Caronch's dentures

Al regresar al Barrr, obtenemos

Step Up to the Table, Put the Ball in Play

You toss the dentures down on Cap'm Caronch's table. "Here are your wooden teeth," you say. "There are some weird stains on them, but I'm hoping those were there when you lost them. Now I get to join your crew and set sail, right?"
"Well, almost," the Cap'm says, baring his wooden teeth in a crooked grin.
"But you gave me your word!"
"I gave ye me word as a pirate," he says, "and part of the pirate's code explicitly states that a verbal contract with a pirate isn't worth the paper it be printed on. Er, on which it be printed. Anyway, only masters at the ancient arrrt of Insult Beer Pong be truly worthy of joining my crew. Ye'll have to defeat Rickets, the current reigning champion, if ye wish to sail with Cap'm Caronch."
You turn around and address the barrr: "Hey, does anyone else have a crew I can join?" A general chorus of "no for u," "no n00bs" "que diciste?" and "no how 2 bilge?" answers you.
You shrug and turn back to the Cap'm. "Okay, fine. Let's get this over with."

Adventure Again (Barrrney's Barrr)

Go back to The Obligatory Pirate's Cove

Siguiendo la aventura...

You spot a small crowd of people milling around in the corner of the barrr, and wander over to see what all the hoopla is about. They're standing around a large plank of wood resting on some barrels, with a dozen red plastic cups arranged on top. A pirate presides over the scene, tossing a small white ball up in the air and catching it as he surveys the crowd, sneering.

"Bah! 'Ave none o' ye lily-livered scallywags the brassies to challenge Old Don Rickets, ye snivellin' cravens? Too yellow to face the master, are ye, ye spindle-shanked vermin?"

"There's 'ardly any point, Rickets," says another pirate. "Not a man Jack of us 'as managed to beat ye at beer pong in months, and we're tired o' yer insultin' ways besides."

"It's insult beer pong, ye dunderheaded git! That's the point!"

"Well an' all, but ye needn't 'ave said that about me Granny. That were right uncalled for."

"Burn me an' sink me," growls Rickets, "is there naught 'ere what ain't a l

You push through the crowd and look Rickets in the eyes. "I reckon I'll take ye on, ye scurvy sea-dog," you growl, as menacingly as you can. Rickets laughs mockingly. "So the landlubber wants to face me, eh? All right, whelp, I'll take yer challenge. Beat me an' I'll give ye me title, by gad!" He laughs again. "Not that ye've a bloodless bastard's chance o' defeating me, mark ye, not in a month o' Sundays!" "Bring it, you... um... jerk," you reply. The assembled crowd sighs and shakes their heads.

Rickets smirks at you as he dribbles his ping-pong ball on the table. "Are ye ready fer yer drubbin', sprat? I'll give ye no quarter fer bein' green, by odd's blood!"

"Well," you reply, "we'd better get it over with quick, before you become completely incomprehensible."

The pirate lobs his ball at your cups. "Yer face is as foul as that of a drowned goat!" he taunts, with a sneer.

... y comienza el combate verbal (A lo Monkey Island)

Results:Shaken by Rickets' words, your faltering attempt at a retort proves ineffective. The ball sails directly into one of your cups, and the pirate sneers as you fish it out and start drinking. "By my bones, I knew ye for a whey-faced scupperlout when first I laid eyes on ye, dawcock that ye are!" he laughs.

You attempt to make up for the slip, but it's too late -- your nerve has been broken, and you soon find yourself pushing your way through the crowd, away from the beer pong table and the jeering cat-calls of Old Don Rickets.

Phooey.

Lo que hay que hacer ahora es ir a aventurar con otro outfit a la cueva de los piratas, y usar en combate The Big Pirate Insults Book... o algo así...

Los Piratas Reclutando

2007-12-04T16:30:00.000-06:00

Hoy 4 de diciembre, los piratas comenzaron a reclutar! Es necesario andar el outfit Swashbuckling Getup!

Back to the Mysterious Island of Mystery

El Dia de los Muertos Borrachos

2007-11-28T08:48:00.000-06:00

Bien, hoy amaneció inspirado Jick y creó el Día de los Muertos Borrachos, donde te roban tus bebidas o les podés robar las suyas.

November 27
Today is El Dia de Los Muertos Borrachos! Watch out!

Aquí una crónica de mis aventuras:

You're fighting El Novio Cadáver

This is the legendary Novio Cadáver (literally the "Corpse Groom"). Legend has it that he was so nervous on the day of his wedding that he had a few drinks to calm his nerves before driving to the ceremony. Tragically, he overestimated his ability to drive drunk, and never made it to his own wedding. His Bitchin' Meatcar was found wrapped around a tree, and his body was found lying to the left, and the right, and ten feet ahead of the tree.
I know that's a pretty depressing story, but hey -- you don't become a wailing spirit by quietly dying in your sleep, you know.
You stab wildly with your Dr. Hobo's scalpel. Your form is sloppy, but fortunately stabbing isn't really an exact science. You manage to deal 14 (+3) damage. BONK! BAM! KERBLAM! WHAMMO!
Necropilote squawks loudly and runs in a circle around your opponent. He looks a little bit confused.
He pulls a pair of thong underwear from his tuxedo pocket and stares blankly at it - it must be a relic from his pre-mortem bachelor party.
You indulge in a little hack 'n' slash with your Dr. Hobo's scalpel. The hacking doesn't seem to be very effective (and you really should see a doctor about that), but the slashing does 21 (+3) damage. SOCKO! BAM! ZAP! ZOT! POW!
You win the fight!
You acquire an item: corpsedriver
You gain 4 Strengthliness.
You gain 4 Enchantedness.
You gain 8 Smarm.

You're fighting La Novia Cadáver

This is the legendary Novia Cadáver (literally, the "Corpse Bride"). Legend has it that her no-good boyfriend failed to show up on their wedding day, so she killed herself in a paroxysm of grief.
Actually, she downed seven or eight martinis, stripped off her wedding dress, and went for a drunken skinnydip in the whitewater rapids of Whitey's Grove. Still, it was a tragic end to a white wedding (though it was a nice day for it, all things considered).
You get the jump on her.
You use your Dr. Hobo's scalpel to cut like a knife. But it feels so right. To you, that is, not to your enemy, who takes 23 (+3) damage. WHAM! BOOF! SMACK! ZOT! WHAMMO!
Your acid-squirting flower squirts your opponent for 4 damage.
She leans in for a headbutt, and some kind of mustachioed worm crawls out of her right eye socket and bites you on the nose. It's pretty disturbing, and pretty painful.
Ugh! Ouch! Ow! Ouch!
You lose 12 hit points.

You slash with your scalpel, and she chooses to step forward rather than dodge. She chose... poorly, and takes 34 (+3) damage. CRITICAL HIT! WHAM! BARF! KERBLAM! BIFF! WHAM! BIFF!
Necropilote coos softly, and nuzzles you with his beak.
You gain 29 hit points.
You gain 29 Mojo Points.
You win the fight!
You acquire an item: corpse on the beach
You gain 5 Muscleboundness.
You gain 4 Enchantedness.
You gain 7 Roguishness.

You're fighting La Persona Inocente Cadáver

This is the legendary spirit known as La Persona Inocente Cadáver (Literally, the "Corpse Innocent Bystander"). The legend has it that on the day he died, he was enjoying a peaceful day kayaking down the river in Whitey's Grove, knocking back beers and taking in the scenery. Suddenly, out of nowhere a naked woman jumped into the river, capsizing his boat. He was unable to make it to the shore (probably because he was swimming with a six-pack of beer under one arm) and drowned.
I guess the moral of a legend like that is to make the most of every day, because you never know when a naked woman's going to turn your life upside down. Or, um, something like that.
You get the jump on him.
You decide to attack him later.
Pepe Le Peu reaches into a higher plane and pulls out a snake! A snake! It's a snake! He throws the snake at your opponent, and the snake bites for 23 damage.
He tries to fly through you, but you duck and cover.
You hit him for 54 (+15) damage. CRITICAL HIT! BONK! WHAMMO! BIFF! SMACK! KAPOW! WHAMMO! BAM! BAM!
Pepe Le Peu reaches into a higher plane and pulls out a snake! A snake! It's a snake! He throws the snake at your opponent, and the snake bites for 33 damage.
He chucks a can of beer at you, but you dodge.

You swing the vampire duck-on-a-string at him. Its dark wings flap in the night, inspiring 36 (+14) points' worth of terror in your opponent BIFF! BONK! SPLAT! WHAM! POW! SPLAT!
Pepe Le Peu reaches into a higher plane and pulls out a snake! A snake! It's a snake! He throws the snake at your opponent, and the snake bites for 33 damage.
You win the fight!
You acquire an item: Corpse Island iced tea
You gain 27 Fortitude.
You gain 10 Mysteriousness.
You gain 16 Roguishness.

Crimbo 2006: Not-too-distant-future

2006-12-07T08:28:00.000-06:00

Finalizar la parte II de Crimbo 2006 requiere dormir en el campground, el cual aparece Next Sunday, A.D.:

You decide that now is a good time for another nap. What exactly are you doing that makes you so sleepy, anyways?

You are awakened in the middle of the nap to see three figures standing over you. Well -- two are standing, one seems to be kind of hovering. All three are dressed in black robes, but you see that one’s an average-looking white guy, one’s some kind of golden spider duck, and the hovering one appears to be a squat crimson pig.

“Hey,” the golden spider duck says. “Don’t you think you’ve spent about enough time in the present? It’s time for you to go back to the future!”

“Back to the future?” the squat crimson pig says. “s/he hasn’t even been there yet! How can you go back?”

“Beck to the future?” the average-looking guy responds. “I don’t know if that’s where it’s at.”

“Anyway,” the average-looking guy continues, “you’ve been in Crimbo right-about-now for quite a while. Why don’t you try Crimbo in the not-too-distant future? If you want to rescue Uncle Crimbo, you’d better get on the ball.”

“Some balls are held for charity,” the golden spider duck chimes in.

“Do not taunt happy fun ball,” the pig agrees.

So what you wanna do?

Al elegir MOVE ON TO THE FUTURE,

The three figures fade into the dark. One says, "when you awake, you'll be able to visit THE FUTURE!" "INDUSTRY!" shouts another. "Science and technology!" "She blinded me with..."

Aparece entonces el Crimborg Collective (suena familiar, Trekkies?)

Y ahora Crimbotown se mira así:

En Uncle Crimborg Hive

You can make:


	servomechanical torsion facilitator	1 capacitor relay 1 carbon nanotube frame

	quantum polarity inducer	1 capacitor relay 1 ion grid

	bi-lateral logic compressor	1 capacitor relay 1 Feynman gate

	computronic processing unit	1 capacitor relay 1 logic synthesizer

	reverse-oscillating klystron	1 carbon nanotube frame 1 ion grid

	sub-molecular interocitor	1 carbon nanotube frame 1 Feynman gate

	recursive spline reticulator	1 carbon nanotube frame 1 logic synthesizer

	atomic vector plotter	1 ion grid 1 Feynman gate

	ion-pulse modulation stabilizer	1 ion grid 1 logic synthesizer

	hyperbolic plasma focuser	1 Feynman gate 1 logic synthesizer

En la Crimborg Nutrition Station

En la Crimborg Collective Factory

You're fighting a ~~Killer~~ Festive Decal-Applying Elfbot

This is one of the killer robots from the future, (mostly) reprogrammed by the Crimborg to help make fun, futuristic toys. This robot is primarily responsible for applying decals to the new toys. All of the other elfbots tend to laugh and call it names -- I mean, being the evil killer robot that puts stickers on toys is kind of like being the big, tough space marine who runs the daycare for the kids of the other space marines. Still, it *is* a big killer robot. With stickers. *snicker.*

Ataques:

It tries to stick a decal over your nose and mouth to keep you from breathing, but applies it sticky-side up, so it just slides off you. Man, these robots aren't getting any smarter.

It stomps on you with its big metal feet. That's no mean feat, but it is a pair of mean feet. Ouch! Argh! Ouch! Ugh! Ooh!

It applies a decal to your chest and rips it off really fast. Fortunately, your chest is as hairless as a wee boy's.

It applies a decal to your feet, sticking them together. You trip and fall. Ooh! Eek! Ugh! Ugh! Eek!

Se Obtiene:

You acquire an item: carbon nanotube frame

carbon nanotube frame
This, like most interior nets, is a series of tubes. In this case, tubes made out of carbon molecules, individual tubes too small to see with the naked eye. Try not to get them tied, if you know what's good for you.

Selling Price: 10 Meat.

You're fighting a ~~Killer~~ Festive Weapons-Assembly Elfbot

This is one of the killer robots from the future, (mostly) reprogrammed by the Crimborg to help make fun, futuristic toys. This particular elfbot specializes in weapons assembly. He's much more efficient than the elfbot in charge of weapons dissembling, since that one just denies there're any weapons at all. Anyway, you might imagine that a robot that puts together weapons for a living has a pretty impressive arsenal, and you'd be right.

Ataques:

It pulls several triggers on several different weapons, eliciting a series of hollow *click* noises. Looks like the elfbot in charge of actually loading the weapons is on a smoke break.

It extends six or seven wiry appendages, each of which holds a different deadly weapon. You quickly find yourself dodging a hail of bullets, arrows, laserbolts, rocks, and one frightened chicken. Ooh! Ooh! Oof! Argh! Oof!

It tries to morph into another deadly shape, but gets stuck midway through the transformation.

It extrudes a liquid-metal sharp pointy thing and stabs you in the head. Ow! Ouch! Ow! Ugh! Eek!

It tries to crush you in its calipers, but you don't wanna be crushed, buried in fear, or left for töt.

It crushes your thigh in its calipers. That's gonna leave a mark. Happy Crimbo! Oof! Eek! Ouch! Ugh! Ouch!

It crushes your bung in its calipers. That's gonna leave a mark. Happy Crimbo! Ouch! Eek! Eek! Oof! Oof!

Se Obtiene:

You acquire an item: capacitor relay
You acquire an item: Feynman gate

Feynman gate
This is a gate made from two Billiard Ball Model gates. It's really complicated, but it boils down to somehow being able to play two games of pool simultaneously without the balls from set A colliding with set B. Somehow, that makes computers work...more...better. Yeah.

Selling Price: 10 Meat.

You're fighting Rudolphus of Crimborg

"The knowledge and experience of the reindeer, Rudolph the Red, is part of us now. It has prepared us for all possible courses of action."
So it looks like Rudolph the Red finally got his wish -- a society in which everyone is equal, each working together for the good of the whole. He probably imagined it as more "utopian society" and less "beehive," but it's no good nitpicking.
Ataques:

He stops attacking to deliver a long-winded diatribe about the evils of capitalism and the joys of socialism. Man, not even assimilation by a robotic hive-mind can shut this guy up.

He starts to smack you with a hoof, but his system crashes and he has to reboot. Rehoof?

He smacks you upside the noggin with one cybernetically enhanced hoof. Ouch! Oof! Oof! Argh! Ooh!

He rears up and beats you about the head and neck with his cybernetically enhanced hooves. You might not have thought it was possible to overclock a set of hooves, but you'd be wrong. Oof! Ugh! Oof! Oof! Eek!

He gores you with his cybernetically enhanced antlers. You get poked and shocked at the same time. Argh! Ouch! Argh! Oof! Argh!

He targets you with his laser optical implant, then decides to opt for non-violent protest.

He targets you with his laser optical implant, then chomps you with his cybernetically enhanced teeth. Ow! Ouch! Ugh! Ugh! Ouch!

He gores you with his cybernetically enhanced antlers. You get poked and shocked at the same time. Ow! Eek! Ooh! Argh! Ooh!

He rears up and beats you about the head and neck with his cybernetically enhanced hooves. You might not have thought it was possible to overclock a set of hooves, but you'd be wrong. Ugh! Ouch! Eek! Ooh! Eek!

He smacks you upside the noggin with one cybernetically enhanced hoof. Oof! Argh! Ow! Ugh! Ooh!

He plugs something into your skull and downloads the entire works of Karl Marx. Your brain boggles. Oof! Ow! Ouch! Oof!

He tries to assimilate you, but you're too iconoclastic to be assimilated.

Se obtiene:

You acquire an item: carbon nanotube frame

You acquire an item: high-resistance ultrapolymer plating
You're fighting a ~~Killer~~ Festive Laser-Calibrating Elfbot

This is one of the killer robots from the future, (mostly) reprogrammed by the Crimborg to help make fun, futuristic toys. This particular robot is in charge of calibrating the lasers. That may not seem like an important job, but a well-calibrated laser is the difference between a laser-powered beard trimmer and a laser-powered self-decapitation device.

Ataques:

It tries to morph into another deadly shape, but gets stuck midway through the transformation.

It tries to crush you in its calipers, but you don't wanna be crushed, buried in fear, or left for töt.

It crushes your kidney in its calipers. That's gonna leave a mark. Happy Crimbo! Oof! Eek! Ugh! Argh! Eek!

It extrudes a liquid-metal sharp pointy thing and stabs you in the ankle. Ooh! Ow! Eek! Ow! Ow!

It tries to fire a laser blast from its eyes, but is hauled away by a big, hairy, redneck sherrif and his dumb, scrawny partner. No more laserblasting for you, young man.

It fires at you with its gun arm, but misses. Looks like it hasn't calibrated its targeting lasers.

It fires a couple of rounds at you from his gun arm. Looks like it *is* a gun, and is not superman. Happy Crimbo! Argh! Ugh! Ow! Eek! Ow!

Se Obtiene:

You're fighting a ~~Killer~~ Festive Arc-Welding Elfbot

This is one of the killer robots from the future, (mostly) reprogrammed by the Crimborg to help make fun, futuristic toys. This particular robot is in charge of arc-welding. He puts together all the Joans. Never mind, that was a pretty lousy joke. But let's not dwell on it, because there's a killer robot with an arc welder coming at you, and it doesn't look happy.

Ataques:

It stomps toward you, welder held high, but suddenly the tip of the welder goes dark. The elfbot looks back, embarrassed, and sees the cord has come unplugged.

It tries to weld a dog to your face, but you back away, thoroughly skeeved out.

It tries to stomp on you with its big metal feet, but you find it a trivial feat to dodge them.

It crushes your giblets in its calipers. That's gonna leave a mark. Happy Crimbo! Oof! Ouch! Ouch! Oof! Argh!

It welds your nipple to your kidney. At least it didn't weld a dog to your face or anything. Happy Crimbo! Eek! Ooh! Ow! Ugh! Eek!

It extrudes a liquid-metal sharp pointy thing and stabs you in the lower back. Argh! Ugh! Eek! Ugh! Oof!

It extrudes a liquid-metal sharp pointy thing and stabs you in the face. Ooh! Ouch! Ugh! Ouch! Ow!

Se obtiene:

You acquire an item: carbon nanotube frame

You acquire an item: capacitor relay

capacitor relay
This is a capacitor that is in charge of passing the baton to another capacitor in a capacitor race. If you want a more scientific description than that, you'll have to belay that capacitor relay request.

Selling Price: 10 Meat.

You acquire an item: high-resistance ultrapolymer plating

high-resistance ultrapolymer plating
This multi-functional plating is highly resistant to just about anything: the weather, ballistic impact, puncture, commitment, and change. Plus it has a pleasant sheen (almost to "charlie" levels), is lightweight, and makes julienne fries.
Just kidding about the fries.

Selling Price: 10 Meat.
You acquire an item: ion grid

ion grid
This is an ion grid, not an ion griddle. The latter is useful if you're cooking up a big batch of ozone pancakes, but not for much else. The ion grid, however, can be put to a variety of mysterious scientific purposes. So long as it avoids the dreaded ion gridlock.

Selling Price: 10 Meat.

You acquire an item: flask of peppermint oil

flask of peppermint oil
This is a metal flask full of caustic, aggressively minty-fresh peppermint oil. It's, like, the blood of a hundred candy canes. Or what mouthwash drinks to get fresher breath. Either way, I don't recommend drinking it, unless you're looking to ventilate your esophagus.

(Cocktailcrafting ingredient)
Type: beverage
Cannot be traded
Cannot be discarded
Quest Item

CrimboTown Right About Now

2006-12-04T10:15:00.000-06:00

Bien, al completar la aventura del Crimbo Town en las cavernas, aparece el CrimboTown en las Montañas:

Right-About-Now:

En el CrimboWeen Spooky Cafe

C'thgn'frg, the Elder Chef
Come closer, plebeian individual, and savor the piquancy of my salubrious, though phantasmal, comestibles! They're so delectable, they'll make you delirious with ecstasy!

Foodstuffs

gingerbread massacre (50 Meat)
This is a big plate full of gingerbread men who have been hacked, slashed, and broken into pieces. It's all topped with bright-red frosting "blood" and sugary "bones!" Looks like that whole "you can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!" taunt was a little premature.

It Came From Beyond Dessert (75 Meat)
This is an assortment of licorice whips, cunningly decorated to look like tentacles, all attached to a cupcake coated with green frosting. It's absolutely adorable. Or it would be, if the tentacles weren't constantly twitching and snaking around.

vampire cake (100 Meat)
This isn't a cake with an insatiable bloodlust, thank goodness. It's just a little festive cake shaped like a vampire, with candy corn for fangs and a candy cane through its heart. It'd be cute, except it's not casting a reflection in the mirror above the counter.

Libations

ecto-nog (50 Meat)
What could possibly make eggnog any tastier? Why, mixing it with a few ounces of fresh ectoplasm, of course! The glass of ecto-nog glows a bright, festive green, and occasionally levitates off the table a little.

hot toady (75 Meat)
This is a lovely mix of honey, tea, lemon, brandy, and frog's breath. Though nothing's more suspicious than frog's breath, this actually smells pretty tasty.

hot choculate (100 Meat)
This ancient vampire recipe is comprised of a mug of hot chocolate, a dash of peppermint schnapps, and a special 'secret ingredient.' Although, given what vampires are known for, it's probably not that big of a secret.

En Linnea's Monster Truck

Lady Linnea, the Scream Queen
AIIIIIEEEE! I mean, welcome, adventurer, to my bone-chilling Crimboween! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
You've managed to scrounge:9 spooky lengths of string
8 evil googly eyes
8 spooky wads of stuffing
6 spooky squares of felt
2 spooky wooden blocks
6 spooky toy wheels
And I can make these sanity-shredding delights:

possessed top 1 spooky wooden block
1 spooky toy wheel

killer rag doll 2 evil googly eyes
3 spooky wads of stuffing
2 spooky squares of felt

tree-eating kite 1 spooky length of string
1 spooky felt

incredibly creepy marionette 2 spooky lengths of string
2 evil googly eyes
2 spooky wooden blocks

fancy dress ball 1 spooky stuffing
1 spooky felt

mad scientist's sock monkey 2 evil googly eyes
3 spooky wads of stuffing
1 spooky felt

stuffed alien blob 1 evil googly eye
1 spooky stuffing

vampire duck-on-a-string 1 spooky length of string
2 evil googly eyes
2 spooky wooden blocks
2 spooky toy wheels

razor-tipped yo-yo 1 spooky length of string
1 spooky toy wheel

evil teddy bear 2 evil googly eyes
4 spooky wads of stuffing
2 spooky squares of felt

pet rock 1 evil googly eye
1 spooky wooden block

Y en la Spooky Fright Factory:

You're fighting a bow-making mummy

This is a mummy who has been pressed into bow-making duties for Linnea, the Scream Queen. What better creature for the task than one who comes with his own copious supply of ribbon?

Ataques:

He ties a nice bow for you out of a section of bandage. Aww, isn't that festive, cute, and slightly repulsive all at the same time?

He ties a bow around your legs, then yanks them out from under you. Happy Crimbo! Ooh! Ow! Ugh! Ow!

He tries to summon a sandstorm, but all he can manage is a dust-devil.

He summons a flesh-eating beetle, but you squish it. You clever so-and-so.

He summons a couple of flesh-eating beetles, who do pretty much what you'd expect. Happy Crimbo! Ouch! Eek! Ow! Eek! Ooh!

He tries to tie a bow around your neck, but you untie faster than he can tie.

He wraps you up in ribbon, then pulls the end real fast so you spin around and fall down. Happy Crimbo! Ugh! Ow! Ugh! Ouch! Ow!

He opens his mouth and a swarm of gnats flies out of it. It doesn't really hurt, having a bunch of gnats around you, but it's still pretty freaky seeing them come out like that. I mean, where was he keeping them? Ooh! Eek! Ugh! Argh!

He tries to tie a bow around your legs, but runs out of bandage.

He wraps a bow around your neck. Festive, if it weren't so tight. Happy Crimbo! Ouch! Eek! Argh! Ugh!

Provee:

You acquire an item: spooky toy wheel
You acquire an item: spooky felt

spooky toy wheel
This is a small, round, spooky wooden wheel. You're pretty sure that if it were in the sky, it'd keep on turning, even with no one near it to make it turn. It looks ready to do some spooky wheeling and dealing.

Selling Price: 18 Meat.

spooky feltYou've never felt felt like this before -- it's slightly warm to the touch, a little bit damp, and appears to be pulsating ever so slightly. It looks like a muppet managed to open that chinese puzzle box. Gah.

Selling Price: 16 Meat.
You're fighting a stocking-stuffing zombie

This zombie has taken time off of its busy shambling-and-lurching schedule to stuff stockings for Linnea, the scream queen. Two guesses what he stuffs the stockings with. Er, with what he stuffs the stockings. Sorry.

Ataques:

He tries to gnaw on your skull, but his teeth are too decayed. He could use an elfin dentist.

He tries to slash you with his fingernails, but they just break off on your thick skin.

He slashes you with his ragged fingernails. Happy Crimbo! Ooh! Ouch! Ow! Argh! Eek!

He tries to stuff your ear into a stocking, but you've got stock in dodging.

He stuffs your head into a stocking. Happy Crimbo! Oof! Ooh! Argh! Ooh! Eek!

He shambles toward you, moaning, but trips over a stocking and falls over.

You're fighting a Cookie-baking Thing from Beyond Time

This is one of the primeval, endlessly malevolent, fiendishly intelligent old gods from before time and space as we know it existed. Currently, it's employed making cookies for Linnea's Crimbo takeover. I guess it's a good way to pass the time between driving mortals mad with one peek at your frightful visage.

Ataques:

It stares at you, gibbering madly, its eyes boring deep into your soul, but you've been to enough comic book conventions that it hardly phases you.

It whips you with its creepy tail. You can tell a creepy tale about it later. Happy Crimbo! Eek! Oof! Argh! Argh!

It gibbers madly at you. You feel your grip on sanity start to slip. Happy Crimbo! Oof! Ow! Oof! Eek!

It tries to buffet you with its wings, but you remain unbuffeted.

It buffets you with its unearthly wings. Looks like it wants to live and let die. Happy Crimbo! Ooh! Eek! Eek! Ow!

It wraps a tentacle around your throat and squeezes until your eyes bug out. Happy Crimbo! Eek! Ooh! Ouch! Eek!

It tries to grab you with a tentacle, but you're not having any of that funny business.

It whips you with its tail, buffets you with its wings, wraps a couple of tentacles around your head and squeezes, all the while stepping on your toes. Yeesh! Ouch! Ooh! Ow! Ow!

It gibbers madly at you, but you gibber sanely back.

It gibbers madly at you. You feel your grip on sanity start to slip. Happy Crimbo! Ouch! Oof! Eek! Eek!

You're fighting a skeletal reindeer

This is one of the reindeer that one of Linnea's mad scientists concocted. Its construction was exceedingly simple. It's pretty damn spooky, all things considered. No one's going to think it's cyoooood at all, and anyone who tries to get them to pull a sleigh is asking for a skeletal hoof through the brainpan.

It moans spookily, but you hum a happy tune. Happy Crimbo!

It sits back on its haunches and lets loose a spooky moan. You get goosebumps on your soul. Happy Crimbo! Oof! Ouch! Ow! Eek!

It tries to smack your noggin with its hooves, but you hoof it away. Happy Crimbo!

It raps on your noggin with its hooves. It would behoove you to dodge in the future. Happy Crimbo! Ugh! Ow! Ugh! Argh! Oof!

It charges you and tries to poke you with its skeletal antlers. Given, however, that skeletal antlers aren't much different than regular antlers, you're prepared to dodge the attack. Happy Crimbo!

It pokes you with its antlers. Looks like you're the antlee. Happy Crimbo! Eek! Ooh! Argh! Oof!

It tries to bite you, but its teeth fall out since there's no gum to hold it in. Remember, floss regularly, kids. Happy Crimbo!

It chomps on your kidney with its skeletal teeth. Er, just regular teeth, I guess. Happy Crimbo! Ouch! Eek! Argh! Ouch! Ugh!
Provee:

You acquire an item: spooky stuffing

You're fighting a toy-making creature from the Gray Lagoon

No one knows precisely where the Gray Lagoon can be found, least of all the people who make maps for the Kingdom. Safe to say that it's not a popular tourist spot, especially when things like this lurk in the water, waiting to devour unsuspecting swimmers. It's a lot nastier than the creatures from the Blue Lagoon, who just spend all their time lounging around half-naked and making out.

It fires a rubber-tipped styrofoam dart at you. You shrug it off.

It throws a barrage of pointy, unsafe toys at you, then follows up with a few swipes of its fiercely-clawed, webbed hands. You feel like you've taken a guided tour through a paper shredder. Happy Crimbo! Argh! Ow! Ugh! Eek! Ow!

It tries to swandive into your head, but you leap to the side.

It jumps up and does a wonderful swan dive into your head. Happy Crimbo! Ow! Ouch! Eek! Argh! Eek!

It tries to swipe you with its claws, but it moves too slow on land.

It tries to throw marbles at you, but it's lost its marbles.

It throws a bunch of marbles at you. You slip on them and fall, comically. Happy Crimbo! Ooh! Argh! Ooh! Oof! Oof!

It charges toward you, but slows down when it sees its skin is starting to crack. It dives into a nearby puddle and swims around for a bit before continuing the fight.

It puts a couple of sharp toys on the ground, and you inadvertently step on them. Happy Crimbo! Oof! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oof!

Se obtiene:

spooky wooden block

spooky wooden block
Man, you haven't seen one of these since you were a wee adventurer. Made from pressed wood pulp, all eight sides of this thing have some sort of letter on them (not pictured.) The letters all appear to be in some kind of ancient, eldritch script, though. If you spelled the right word, you could probably summon something you'd later wish you hadn't summoned.

Selling Price: 17 Meat.

spooky frank
This is like a sausage, only smaller. And much more spooky. Don't get strung out by the way it looks, though -- don't judge a sausage by its casing.
Uncle Crimbo's favorite food is franks and beans, by the way. Not that that's in any way relevant. Just sayin'.

(Cooking ingredient)
Type: food
Cannot be traded
Cannot be discarded
Quest Item
You're fighting a gift-wrapping vampire

This vampire has taken a break from saahhhking blaaaaahd to wrap gifts for Linnea. If any teddy bears show up mysteriously drained of stuffing and with a thirst for felt, we'll all know who to blame.

Ataques:

He transforms into a big, black dog, but fortunately it turns out he's your godfather. Dogfather?

He transforms into a big, black dog, which makes you sweat and makes you groove. Happy Crimbo! Ouch! Ugh! Ouch! Ouch!

He tries to saaahk your blaaahd, but you pretend you're a stone, so he can't get blood from you.

He wraps you up in ribbon, then pulls the end real fast so you spin around and fall down. Happy Crimbo! Ugh! Ugh! Oof! Argh! Oof!

He tries to gift-wrap you, but you beat the wrap.

He transforms into a bat! Fortunately, it's a baseball bat, which then falls to the ground.

He transforms into a clammy mist. You get run over by a bunch of gorillas. Happy Crimbo! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ouch! Eek!

Al cocinar la Spooky Frank con Enchanted Beans se obtiene

You cook up a delicious new item.

You acquire an item: plate of franks and beans

plate of franks and beans

This is a plate of delicious franks and delicious beans, all covered with whatever that delicious brown goo is that franks and beans usually come in. It's Uncle Crimbo's favorite dish, mainly because cooking it usually involves opening a can and eating it cold.

Type: food
Cannot be traded
Cannot be discarded
Quest Item

Al consumir los Frank and Beans:

You start to chow down on the franks and beans, but before you can take a bite the plate levitates into the center of the room. A deeply tanned arm reaches through a magical portal and grabs the plate. "Thanks, kid," Uncle Crimbo's voice says. "You're getting even closer."

Llegó Crimbo 2006!

2006-12-01T09:15:00.000-06:00

Para comenzar, en las montañas está el inicio del quest de Crimbo con el Elfo. Lean el texto.

Luego, en el campground aparece una tarjeta para punchar una por día, una de ellas da un Chocolate Lump (Quest Item), que aparece entre los consumibles misceláneos. Al usarla da el mensaje que nos da pesadillas.

Al consumirla, ir al campground a dormir, en la primera me apareció este mensaje:

You wake up in the middle of the night and see a bright light outside of your bed curtains. Since you don't have any curtains (and may or may not have a bed), you're pretty sure you're dreaming. You hope it's not curtains for you, though.
You push back the curtains and the bright light solidifies into a ghost! He has the requisite long, white robe, but some decidedly non-requisite dreadlocks hanging down past his shoulders. He gazes piercingly at you and speaks.
"Hey, mon," he says. "I be Marley's Ghost. I come to tell ya that tonight ye will be visited by tree spirits."
"Tree spirits?" you ask. "You mean those fruity little things in Canadia?"
"Nah, mon," he says. "One, two, tree -- tree spirits."
"Is this about me realizing I'm a horrible person and resolving to change, and ending up all giddy as a schoolboy?" you ask. "Because, if so, I'd rather just stay horrible. It doesn't bother me, except when people move my chair."
"Nah, mon." The ghost answers. "Uncle Crimbo's gone missing, and these tree spirits are going to help yah rescue him. The first is de ghost of Crimbo Way, Way Past. The second is the ghost of Crimbo Right-about-now. You'll like him, he's a funk soul brother. The third is the Ghost of Crimbo In The Not-Too-Distant Future. You'll see the first one the next time you fall asleep."
"Seriously," you say, "I don't really want to bother with any ghosts, man. I mean, I don't even have my proton pack."
"Expect the first one the next time you fall asleep," the ghost repeats, and starts to fade away, singing some song about martial bison.

A la segunda dormida, aparece este:

You sleep.

You gain 29 hit points.

You gain 30 Mojo Points.

You wake up to the sound of someone banging a bone against a rock. Well, you don't know that's what the sound is until you get up and look, but that's what it is.
You see a shimmery, transparent caveman (who may or may not have just saved a lot of money on his car insurance), dressed in furs and squatting on your floor, pounding said rock with said leg-bone.
"Me Ugh. Gwee tonga nala tonga macha pooka." he says, gesturing and grunting at you.
"You're Ugh, the ghost of Crimbo Way, Way Past, and you want me to go to the Big Mountains, where Crimbotown was last year, and I'll be magically transported to CrimboRock, which is Crimbotown thousands of years ago?"
"Ugh. Gwee zug fech haraka ool."
"And you say that once I'm there, I can fight monsters, make toys, and find part of the magic spell for rescuing Uncle Crimbo?"
"Ugh," the caveman says, nodding his assent.

Wow, I wish I could speak Caveman.

Una vez hecho esto, aparece en las montañas Crimbo Rock

Al entrar a la Crimbo Rock, hallamos esto:

En la Toy-Making Cave me mostró esto

Ugh Crimbo, the first Uncle Crimbo

Me Ugh. Me make tools.

Me make this tools:


	wheel	1 rock 1 stick

	yo	1 rock 1 stringy sinew

	prehistoric spear	1 stick 1 tooth

	stick-on-a-string	1 stringy sinew 1 stick

	fire	2 sticks

	leaf tube	1 stringy sinew 1 big leaf

	toothsome rock	1 rock 1 tooth

wheelThis is a wheel, made out of a donut-shaped rock with a stick stuck through it. You don't have to re-invent it; just use it to get around a little faster.

Type: accessory
Selling Price: 25 Meat.Enchantment:
Combat Initiative +10%

prehistoric spear

This is an ancient, aerodynamic spear, which someone made fairly recently in prehistoric times. It's one of those time travel wossnames -- paradoxes, yeah, that's it. Anyway, it's basically a stick with a tooth stuck to one end of it. If you have a wooly mammoth to slay, it's your best option.

Type: ranged weapon (1-handed throwing spear)
Power: 100
Moxie Required: 35
Selling Price: 25 Meat.Enchantment:
2x chance of Critical Hit

NOTE: If you wear multiple items that increase Critical Hit chances, only the highest multiplier applies.

fireFire! I have made fire! Or, rather, a caveman has made fire, and now you have it. I don't recommend putting it in your pocket, or under your ass, or shouting about it in a crowded theater. It'll probably come in handy for something, though, like blending in at a peasant convention.

Type: hat
Power: 10
Selling Price: 25 Meat.Enchantment:
Intrinsic effect: Head on Fire, Ass Catching
+7 Hot Damage

toothsome rock

Cavemen, apparently, were equally as likely to succumb to dumb fads as are their contemporary counterparts. This is a rock with a tooth glued onto it. Cavemen kept them as fairly useless pets.

Type: familiar
Selling Price: 31 Meat.

yo
This is a rock with a piece of string around it. To use it as a weapon, first throw the crib door wide, then let the people crawl inside. Then, hold onto the string, whip it around your head a couple of times, and let fly with the rock. It's just like a yo-yo, except it doesn't come back. So, y'know, it's only the first "yo."

Type: combat item
Selling Price: 25 Meat.

stick-on-a-string
This is a stick with a stringy sinew tied to one end. What's brown, sticky, and stringy?

Type: combat item
Selling Price: 25 Meat.

leaf tube

This is a leaf, rolled up into a tube, stuffed with other leaves, and with a stringy sinew tied around it to hold it together. It looks like it'd be right at home in the hippy camp. If only it could be made to give off smoke, somehow...

Cannot be traded
Cannot be discarded
Quest Item

Grog, the Eating-Making Cave Elf

"Ugh no gala ka kreeshta!"


Eats

		twigs and gravel (50 pebbles) Even though prehistoric food is pretty rough on a modern palate, the hippies would love this dish (and quite frequently, indeed, do eat it). It's a big bowl of twigs, with some gravel mixed in for texture. It's sure to get your colon a-marching.

		shoots and leaves (75 pebbles) The favorite dish of gun-toting panda (or koala) bears everywhere, this is a big bowl of shoots and leaves. All this greenery is sure to be good for your colon, and possibly your semicolon. We were never quite sure how that thing works.

		bowl of unidentifiable goo (100 pebbles) This appears to be anything a cave-elf might eat -- which includes a good many things we'd rather not mention -- mashed up into a sticky green paste. Happy Crimbo, I guess.



Firewater

		fermented honey (50 pebbles) This is bee-spit, harvested from spitting bees and kept in a hole in the ground until all the sugar turned to alcohol. It's sure to give you a killer, wicked buzz.

		moons-shine (75 pebbles) In the times before tasty alcoholic beverages were discovered, cave elves would occasionally stumble on a recipe for making booze -- usually by leaving a pile of fruit and vegetables to rot, then drinking whatever leaked out of it. Case in point: this stuff. Hold your nose when you drink it.

		gin (100 pebbles) Oddly enough, gin has existed since the dawn of time. When the first protozoans got together at single cell bars, they drank gin. It's always tasted exactly like a pine branch dipped in kerosene, but it's not quite as strong now as it used to be.

MOONS-SHINE

You hold your nose and drink the moonsshine. It has a delicate garbage bouquet, overtones of garbage, with an impudent garbage finish.

You gain 11 Adventures.

You gain 7 Strongness.

You gain 7 Mysteriousness.

You gain 7 Chutzpah.

You gain 4 Drunkenness.

GIN

You drink the gin. It tastes like gin, only stronger. You hiccup a blue flame.

You gain 14 Adventures.

You gain 10 Fortitude.
You gain a Muscle point!

You gain 10 Magicalness.

You gain 9 Sarcasm.
You gain a Moxie point!

You gain 5 Drunkenness.

Al entrar a Simple-tool-making-cave, obtuve las siguientes aventuras:

You're fighting a sinew-stretching cave elf

This hulking, knuckle-dragging cave elf is responsible for stretching dried animal sinews into pieces of string. He's a little grumpy about that -- when he signed up for the job, he thought he'd be an aerobics instructor.

You acquire an item: stringy sinew

stringy sinew
This used to hold together a couple of muscles in an animal. Now it's just a length of string that doesn't hold together anything. It's not even sliced into convenient, three-inch lengths.

Selling Price: 10 Meat.

You're fighting a hunter-gatherer cave elf

This hulking, knuckle-dragging cave elf is responsible for hunting and gathering food for the rest of the cave elves. He's a little more useful than the hunter-gatherer-hunter cave elves, who just hang out waiting to beat the crap out of hunter-gatherer cave elves. It's a confusing system, I grant you, but keep in mind these guys don't have the most developed brains in the world.

You acquire an item: tooth
You acquire an item: big leaf (Sólo sale 1 vez)

tooth

This is a tooth. It came from some animal's mouth. If you think it's disgusting to hold something that's been in someone's mouth, you must not eat eggs.

Selling Price: 10 Meat.

big leaf
This is a leaf -- the kind taken from a plant, not the kind taken from a book. It's possible it has incredible curative properties, and that modern science could use it to cure everything from the common cold to post-decapitation syndrome (PDS).
Possible, but not likely.

Cannot be traded
Cannot be discarded
Quest Item

You're fighting a flint-scraping cave elf

This is one of the hulking, knuckle-dragging cave elves who make primitive tools for Ugh Crimbo to hand out on Crimbo Eve. This particular elf is in charge of chipping the edges off of pieces of flint to make them into sharp-edged hand axes. He gets the flint stones, of course, from the bed rock of the nearby river.

You acquire an item: stick

stick
This is just a stick. It's neither spooky, big, nor lip. It just sits there providing the answer to the riddle "what's brown and sticky?"

Selling Price: 10 Meat.
You're fighting a rock-banging cave elf

This cave elf is responsible for picking up rocks, banging them together or against other rocks, then putting them back down. How this helps with the manufacture of simple tools, none can say. Pretty much, everyone's afraid of questioning the work ethic of a huge, muscled, hulking behemoth with a big rock in each hand.

Continuando, al obtener el Leaf Tube y Fire, combinarlos para obtener:

lit cigar

Like other cigars in this game, this one is just a cigar. Unlike other cigars in the game, this one is lit. You know, like your uncle at Thanksgiving, when he won't stop telling dumb jokes and pinching your mom's butt? Or maybe that's just me.

Type: usable
Cannot be traded
Cannot be discarded
Quest Item

Al usarlo, ocurre lo siguiente:

You hold up the lit cigar, take a puff, and blow a square smoke ring. It hangs in the air like a window, and through it you can see what looks like a tropical island. Suddenly, Uncle Crimbo reaches through the window and grabs the cigar! "Thanks, kid," he says. "You're on the right track."

Al continuar aventurando aparece:

You decide that now is a good time for a nap. You're not sure why, but you do.
After sleeping soundly for about 10 minutes, you wake up to the sound of a flat, electronic beat playing loudly in your bedroom. You push aside your bed-curtains and look out. Since you don’t have any bed-curtains, and may or may not have a bedroom or a bed, you’re pretty sure you’re dreaming.
You see a shimmery, transparent guy standing in front of two turntables. He doesn’t appear to have a microphone, though. “Greetings, adventurer, he says. “I’m the ghost of Crimbo right-about-now. Greetings, adventurer. I’m the ghost of Crimbo right-about-now. Greetings, adventurer. I’m the ghost of Crimbo right-about-now.”
He stops and thumps himself upside the head. “Sorry, got stuck in a loop there. Anyway, I’m here to tell you that you’ve spent enough time in Crimbo Rock, and you should come to my realm now. If you ever want to save Uncle Crimbo, you’ve got to get with the now, man. Don’t you want to meet Linnea, the Scream Queen? Quit living in the past. Are you ready to go to Crimbo right-about-now? Are you ready to go to Crimbo right-about-now? Are you ready to…”

Este nos da la opción de mantener abierta la Crimbo Rock abierta o avanzar al presente.

Si se elige el presente, aparece:

The ghost smiles and fades away, repeating "When you awake, you can visit Crimbo Right-About-Now. When you awake, you can visit Crimbo Right-About-Now. When you awake..."

Mishappen Animal Skeleton

2006-09-27T13:04:00.000-05:00

You pick up the animal skull, and start hooking other bones to it. It would be easier if there were instructions, Tab A into Slot B, or something... eventually, though, you manage to produce a fully-assembled animal skeleton. If you can call something made out of random cat, monkey, and hamster bones "fully-assembled". The magic that had previously animated the animals kicks back in, and it stands up shakily and looks at you. "Graaangh?"

You acquire an item: misshapen animal skeleton

2006-06-06T15:25:00.000-05:00

Ayer fue el dia de Jarlsberg y el clan Aflubbaddubb regaló objetos a quien envió un mensaje a su bot, Aflubabot.

Aquí el que recibió Tramposín

You look around to make sure nobody's watching you, and tear open the package.

From: Aflubabot.

You wander around the Mansion's perimeter for a bit, and then hear some commotion from the sports complex out back. It seems to be set up for some type of inter-clan magic contest, with various people walking around in long dark robes. Team colors seem to be represented by what type of tie each fan is wearing. A goblet of flame, obviously of some importance, sits in the middle of the field.

As you take in the sights, you are jostled by a group of youngsters, apparently the atheletes. They're all holding brooms.

"Cool," you say to yourself. "I finally get to see one of those strange contests I've heard so much about."

Apparently you said it to more than just yourself, because one of the youngsters looks at you quizzically. "Strange?" he says as he breaks off the broomstick. "We're just playing stick-ball."

With that, he pulls out a golden ball, gives it a mighty whack, and wanders onto the field.

Some parts of the ball seem to have fallen off, though. You decide to keep them for a souveneir.

You acquire an item: phonics down

Nuevos objetos y creación de Wiki de KOL en Español

2006-04-12T13:11:00.000-06:00

Con los cambios que hubo en el Spooky Forest, ahora aparece este item:

vampire heart

This is a heart that used to occupy the chest of a vampire. Not, as you might have thought, a heart that sucks peoples' blood. 'Cause, man. That'd be creepy.

Cannot be traded.
Cannot be discarded
Quest Item

Yo ya conseguí el mío, matando a un vampiro usando un arma para matar vampiros. Si no, no les sale.

Luego me apareció esto:

You bump into the famed Vampire Hunter in a clearing.

"Looks like you've got some vampire hearts, there. May I?"

Give him all your hearts
"Maybe later"

Al darle el corazón, me dio esto:

bottle of used blood

This is a bottle of blood squeezed out of the heart of a vampire. Which means that it was somebody else's blood, that the vampire was temporarily using. So you're the third owner of this blood. Hopefully it's only gently-used.

Type: usable
Cannot be traded.
Cannot be discarded
Quest Item

Otra cosa es que, tomando en cuenta las inquietudes de Carito y mías de ayudar a los jugadores de KOL que les cuesta el inglés, creé un Wiki para KOL en Español. Acá les dejo el URL.

http://kolespanol.pbwiki.com/FrontPage

Los interesados en aportar, avísenme para mandarles el link correspondiente.

ninja pirate zombie robot

2006-02-26T11:33:00.000-06:00

The ninja pirate zombie robot head's single red eye comes to life, and looks around. It rolls up to a clockwork spine, and attaches itself to it at the neck. The resultant snakelike thing slithers over to a cheap toaster, and connects it to the bottom of the spine.

It then rolls around in pine tar, and attaches a couple of bones to its left side. It repeats this for the right side, and then attaches a clockwork claw to each arm.

Gears whir and bones grind as the thing picks up the Chest of the Bonerdagon and attaches it to the front of its spine. It then grabs a couple more wads of pine tar, and uses them to attach two spiked femurs to the toaster.
Fully constructed, the skeleton grabs a handful of disembodied brains, and casually munches on them as it sews a ninja outfit out of a couple of clockwork sheets.

Glancing at its new threads, it beeps approvingly. It loads its pockets with frigid ninja stars, teeny-tiny ninja stars, and a star throwing star, before grabbing an icy-hot katana with one hand and a blundarrrbuss with the other.

You acquire an item: ninja pirate zombie robot

ninja pirate zombie robot
What could be a better bodyguard than something that's utterly confused about its own identity?
Okay, don't answer that.
Still, it'll serve you faithfully as long as you don't run out of ricerumbrainsoil.

Type: familiar
Cannot be traded.
Cannot be discarded

Despues de mi primera Ascención HC Oxygenarian

2006-02-14T11:11:00.000-06:00

Results:

You open the envelope. Inside is a letter.
Dear Night Crawler:
Thank you ever so much for rescuing me from that dreadful prism. Please accept these goodies as a token of my appreciation.
The weather is very nice. I wish you were here.
-XOXO, King Ralph XI
The letter is a bit confusing. You've only just arrived in this Kingdom, and the whole reason you came is because you found out that the King is trapped, and they need somebody to rescue him.
You also wonder what goodies he's talking about, when some stuff suddenly materializes at your feet.
Ah. These goodies.
You have unlocked a new tattoo.
You acquire an item: plexiglass pinky ring
You have unlocked a new tattoo.
You acquire an item: pork elf goodies sack
You acquire 3 cans of Breathetastic™ Premium Canned Air
You have unlocked a new tattoo.

Viernes 13!

2006-01-13T09:31:00.000-06:00

The Kingdom of Loathing


Today is Friday the 13th! Watch out! Bad things can happen on Friday the 13th.

*********************
Combat!

You're fighting a sleeping Knob Goblin Guard

You hit for 216 damage. CRITICAL HIT! BOOF! BARF! BONK! SMACK! ZAP! KERBLAM! POW! BIFF! WHAM! ZOT! You win the fight!

You notice a dead ladybug on the ground. You must have stepped on it during the fight.

Damn it.

You gain 4 Meat.

You acquire an item: viking helmet

You gain 1 Strongness.

*****************

You're fighting a Gnollish Tirejuggler

This is a Gnoll who wanders Degrassi Knoll juggling enormous tires. Nobody knows why.

You get the jump on him.

You hit for 169 damage. BIFF! BARF! WHAM! BONK! SPLAT! WHAMMO! ZAP! WHAMMO! KAPOW! WHACK!

Queensryche attempts to stab him, but misses.

You win the fight!

You notice three chaos butterflies flying nearby.

Damn it.

You gain 25 Meat.

You acquire an item: tires

You gain 1 Magicalness.
You gain 2 Sarcasm.

*********************

You're fighting a Gnollish Flyslayer

This is one of the Gnolls whose job it is to clear Degrassi Knoll of the enormous horseflies that plague it. Have you ever seen a horsefly? Or a housefly? Or heard a rubber band? Or... never mind. Just fight the deadly-flyswatter-wielding Gnoll.

You get the jump on him.

You hit for 170 damage. SPLAT! BOOF! ZOT! POW! WHACK! ZAP! BIFF! BAM! BOOF! KAPOW!

Queensryche attempts to stab him, but misses.

You win the fight!

You hear an owl hoot three times.

Damn it.

You gain 24 Meat.

You acquire an item: Gnollish flyswatter

You gain 2 Mysteriousness.

******************

You're fighting a Gnollish Gearhead

This is a Gnollish Gearhead. When he's not fixing up hot rods in the Degrassi Knoll garages, he's wandering around looking for a fight, such as the one he just found.

You get the jump on him.

You hit for 172 damage. CRITICAL HIT! BAM! SOCKO! POW! BIFF! ZOT! BOOF! SPLAT! BONK! SOCKO! BONK!

Queensryche attempts to stab you, but misses.

You win the fight!

You hear a sickening *CRUNCH* as you accidentally step on a mirror on the ground.

Damn it.

You gain 19 Meat.

You acquire an item: Gnollish toolbox

You acquire an item: gnoll lips

You gain 1 Mysteriousness.
You gain 1 Chutzpah.

*****************

You're fighting a Gnollish Flyslayer

This is one of the Gnolls whose job it is to clear Degrassi Knoll of the enormous horseflies that plague it. Have you ever seen a horsefly? Or a housefly? Or heard a rubber band? Or... never mind. Just fight the deadly-flyswatter-wielding Gnoll.

You get the jump on him.

You hit for 170 damage. KERBLAM! BONK! ZOT! KAPOW! BIFF! BOOF! WHAMMO! BARF! KAPOW! ZOT!

Ronnie James Dio gains a pound!

You win the fight!

You swagger away from the fight, directly under a ladder.

Damn it.

You gain 24 Meat.

You acquire an item: Gnollish flyswatter

You gain 1 Strengthliness.
You gain 1 Magicalness.

****************

You're fighting a Knob Goblin Mutant

This is the result of a failed genetic experiment by the Knob Goblin Mad Scientists.

You get the jump on him.

You hit for 127 damage. ZOT! SMACK! KAPOW! SMACK! BAM! SPLAT! ZAP! ZAP! WHAMMO! ZOT!

You win the fight!

You look up and see a single magpie sitting in a tree, watching you with beady little eyes.

Damn it.

You gain 62 Meat.

You gain 2 Strongness.
You gain 2 Wizardliness.
You gain 7 Cheek.

******************

You're fighting a BASIC Elemental

10 PRINT "YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, PUNY ADVENTURER!"
20 GOTO 10

You get the jump on it.

You hit for 133 damage. WHAM! ZAP! KERBLAM! KERBLAM! BOOF! KERBLAM! BAM! POW! KERBLAM! BOOF!

Psychotron stomps on the ground, shaking your opponent up for 1 damage.

You win the fight!

A murder of crows flies past in the sky.

Damn it.

You gain 2 Fortitude.
You gain 6 Magicalness.
You gain 2 Sarcasm.

**********

You're fighting a gaunt ghuol

This is a ghuol that hasn't been eating very much decaying flesh. Normally this is a good thing, but for ghuols, it's pretty unpleasant. You should put him out of his misery.

You get the jump on it.

You do not aim with your hand. He who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of Sneaky Pete. You aim with your Moxie.

You hit for 196 damage. SPLAT! BIFF! WHAMMO! KAPOW! SOCKO! SPLAT! BOOF! BOOF! POW! BAM!

You win the fight!

You discover yourself to be standing on a crack in the ground.

Damn it.

Pecoso does a little fairy dance.

You acquire an item: ghuol egg

You acquire an item: ghuol ears

You gain 1 Strengthliness.
You gain 2 Wizardliness.
You gain 8 Cheek.

Vamos de vuelta a Kolear....

2006-01-11T21:59:00.000-06:00

Estimados todos, como recordarán me había desencantado con el KoL a partir del desastre del click de Jick. Pues resulta que hace algunas semanas me rstauraron el "contenido" de mi Hagnk's, pero me faltaban algunas cosas muy importantes, las cuales me restablecieron el día de hoy... Asi que voy de nuevo metido al KoL en lleno, bueno, por lo menos con el timpo que me deja el trabajo. Les dejo copia del KMail que me enviaron hoy:

From Xlyinia (#4741) [reply] [quoted]Date: Tuesday, January 10, 03:45PM
Here you are. Sorry for the inconvenience; here is some meat to help you purchase (from the Mall) what you lost in the database fiasco.
These items were delivered to Hagnk's Mostly-Burned-Down Ancestral Mini-Storage:
You acquire 2 Mr. Accessories

You acquire an item: star pants

You acquire an item: imitation nice watch

You acquire an item: tiny plastic Jarlsberg

You acquire an item: tiny plastic Sneaky Pete

You acquire an item: tiny plastic Susie

You acquire an item: miniature gravy-covered maypole

You acquire an item: wax lips

You gain 50,000 Meat, which was delivered to Hagnk's Mostly-Burned-Down Ancestral Mini-Storage.

Crimbo Town

2005-12-20T09:12:00.000-06:00

The Big Mountains

Back to the Main Map

Crimbo Town

Back to the Big Mountains

Uncle Crimbo's Mobile Home

Ho, ho, ho, Adventurer! Merry Crimbo!

Well, actually, it's not particularly merry. As you may have noticed, my elves are on strike, and are staging a violent protest at the toy factory. I guess that means I'm gonna have to make all of the toys myself this year.

My skills are pretty rusty, (and I'm sort of drunk, actually,) but I still remember how to make a thing or two. Bring me some parts from the factory, and we'll see what I can do.

Make Some Toys:

You have:

Back to Crimbo Town

The Crimbo Cafe

Welcome to the Crimbo Cafe! We're having a bit of a ho-ho-horrible time here in Crimbotown, what with the factory elves on strike and all. But we're still serving festive holiday food, even to those stupid elves. What's your poison?


Crimbotails

		eggnogtini (50 Meat) This is a delicious mix of eggnog, vodka, and sour apple schnapps (for some reason). No, seriously, it's delicious. Trust me. Even though a delicious mix of eggnog and anything, even eggnog, is fairly unlikely.

		candycaine (75 Meat) This is a mix of 100-proof peppermint schnapps and 100-proof cinnamon schnapps. In other words, it's like mouthwash on steroids.

		braincracker sweet (100 Meat) This drink mixes grenadine, corn syrup, pure cane sugar, and various hi-octane spirits. It's rumored that drinking one of these makes visions of sugarplums put on a burlesque show in your head.

Crimbo Entrees

		gumdrop chow mein (50 Meat) This is a tasty chow mein dish, only instead of chow mein noodles, it has licorice whips. And instead of meatballs, it has gumdrops (which were probably stolen from a freakish talking cookie). So it's really nothing like chow mein and a lot like a bowl of warm candy.

		candy cane pizza (75 Meat) This is a round chocolate disc topped with caramel sauce and powdered candy canes. Elves eat stuff like this all the time. And you wonder why they secretly want to be dentists?

		gingerbread stir-fry (100 Meat) This is a bunch of gingerbread cookies, gingersnaps, and black licorice, cut up and stir-fried in a festive holiday wok. Looks like the chef was wokkin' in a winter wonderland, as it were. Please don't throw up. Or anything at me.

Back to Crimbo Town

Rudolph the Red

As you near the factory, you encounter a huge reindeer with a bright red nose, delivering a rousing speech to a group of protesting elves. You listen for a while.
It becomes clear to you that this reindeer only sees the world in two colors -- red and pink. He believes that Uncle Crimbo is a bourgoise oppressor, and that the elfretariat need to rise and free themselves from their chains. The fact that those chains are made of brightly-colored paper does not dissuade him at all. He fights for the rights of oppressed elves everywhere. All of the other reindeer laugh and call him names, but that does not dissuade him.
After his speech, he approaches you. "Rudolph the Red knows reign, dear. The reign of terror being perpetrated by the mindless drones of Uncle Crimbo. Will you take up arms with us?"
You size him up, and the size you arrive at is much larger than you. "Uhh... yes?" you say. He smiles and hands you a sign.

You acquire an item: Unionize The Elves sign

Combat!

You're fighting Happy, the Reindeer

Happy is possibly the most disturbing of Uncle Crimbo's eight tiny reindeer. He can gore an elf with his fearsome antlers without losing the smile on his face. When they aren't pulling his Bitchin' Meatcar on Crimbo, they work as enforcers and security for the whole Crimbo operation. Uncle Crimbo sent them in to combat the striking elves, and since you're carrying a protest sign, you're a target.

You get the jump on him.

Combat!

You're fighting Doc, the Reindeer

Some say that 'Doc' isn't a particularly threatening name for a thug, reindeer or no. Those people are absolutely right, but Doc more than makes up for his lame moniker with the level of violence he brings to Crimbotown. When they aren't pulling Uncle Crimbo's Bitchin' Meatcar on Crimbo, the reindeer work as enforcers and security for the whole Crimbo operation. Uncle Crimbo sent them in to combat the striking elves, and since you're carrying a protest sign, you're a target.

You get the jump on him.

Yaaaay, beer!

2005-11-28T12:51:00.000-06:00

Yaaaaay, beer!

As you stumble around in the dimly lit cellar, you encounter an entire troupe of cheerleading rats who seem to be worshipping a can of beer. If there's one thing you didn't expect to see before you died, it's twenty rats wearing little skirts.

The rats form into a pyramid and begin singing a weird little fight song in high, piping voices:

We have tails and we have eyes,
We are far and we are near
It should come as no surprise
That we praise the mighty beer.
Yaaaaay, beer!

And then the pyramid falls apart and the rats scamper away. You hork their can of beer and get away as fast as you can.

You acquire an item: ice-cold beer

Chat with your Ancestors... Kind of Weird!

2005-11-22T13:59:00.000-06:00

Results:You walk over to the hallowed resting place of your ancestors and are approached by a turtle tamer whose non-corporeal shade is missing an arm.

"Hey, I'm UngaMan. Who are you?"

"I am your great-great-great-great grandfather, Valiant the Turtle Tamer."

"Why are you missing an arm?"

"Back in my day, whippersnapper, turtles weren't little slow-moving reptiles who were already half-tame anyway. They were a hundred feet tall and had big, sharp, pointy teeth. Turtle taming used to be work, junior, not a walk in the park. And don't think we had all the fancy spells and equipment you kids had. We just walked up to 'em and bonked 'em on the nose with a rock."

Another Turtle Tamer, this one missing a non-corporeal leg, hops up beside Valiant.

"I'm your great-great-great-great-GREAT-grandfather, Garrlahad the Turtle Tamer. You think you had it bad, Valiant? We didn't even have rocks! We would have rejoiced to have a rock! We hit 'em square on the nose with our bare hands! And their noses were the size of small cottages, so half the time we just got sucked into their nostril! You had it easy!"

"Ha!" Another Turtle Tamer, this one missing both arms and one leg, hops up. "I would have danced a jig if I had been sucked into a turtle's nostril! You had it soft! We used to go and poke the turtle right under the tail! Sucked into their nose... what a joke!"

You wander off as a limbless neanderthal rolls up to the group and starts saying "Ugh oog eeg! Ha!" Looks like talking to old people is equally as rewarding in the afterlife as it is in The Kingdom.

---*...*---

As you wander the hallowed resting place of your ancestors, you are surprised to encounter King Yore V. "Wow, you're one of my ancestors? I never knew I had kings in my lineage."

"Oh, I'm more than that," King Yore says. "I'm actually you. Or, rather, you're me. I mean, you were me in a past life. We're the same guy."

"I used to be a king? I used to be... you?"

"Yup. You'd be surprised how many people were somebody famous in a past life. It's almost as if people use reincarnation to feed their egos."

"But if we're the same person, how are we talking to each other? It's making my non-corporeal head hurt."

"Hey, you've got a point the--" Yore says, and vanishes in a puff of metaphysics. You mosey off to find an intangible aspirin.

---*...*---

Results:You walk over to the hallowed resting place of your ancestors. The first shade you encounter, though, doesn't look at all familiar. In fact, it looks pretty damn scary. It's some sort of alien being with long, slimy tentacles and more fangs than a gothic LARP.

"Hey, I thought my ancestors would be over here," you say, backing away from the frightening apparition.

"I am your ancestor," the alien says. "In fact, I am your father. I just took this form to make you more uncomfortable."

"Ah, I guess that makes sense," you say, while thinking the opposite. "So, uh... do you have any words of eternal wisdom for me?"

"Just a few," your dad says, wiping drool off its face and replacing it with slime. "Never fall in love. Love only leads to children, and children are a curse. Stay single, kid."

"Thanks, Dad." You give your father a slightly squishy embrace and wander off, contemplating his wisdom. "Hey, wait a minute..." you say, and spin around, but your father has vanished from this plane.

---*...*---

Results:You wander the hallowed resting place of your ancestors and encounter your Grandmother.

"Grandma! It's so good to see you! I missed you so much after you died..." You try to give her a hug, but she steps back.

"Hrmph!" She stomps one tiny foot on the cloud you're standing on. "Missed me, did you? Did you ever once visit my grave? Did you pray to me before battle? Did you send flowers? Not once! You could have at least made something of yourself and let that be my tribute. But you couldn't even accomplish that much, could you? You're a failure and you'll always be one. Now go cut me a non-corporeal switch so I can teach you a lesson!"

You quickly will yourself into another aspect of Valhalla. Next time you'll be sure to seek out slightly more ancestral ancestors.

En el Vallhalla

2005-11-22T13:52:00.000-06:00

CONTEMPLANDO EL INFINITO... Kind of Boring...

Results:You're sitting quietly on a cloud, trying to meditate, when you hear a strange metallic noise. You look over at the cloud next to you, and see a little bald kid in a robe, tying a spork in a knot. With his mind.

"Hey, kid," you say, "how are you doing that?"

"First, there was the Tao," he replies sagely. "From the Tao came forth the Server. From the Server came forth the Database. And from the Database came ten thousand things."

"...What?"

"When you realize the truth, you will see that there is no spork. It is the mind that bends."

"Your mind's pretty bent all right, kid."

---*...*---

Results:You wander around contemplating the infinite. Blah, blah, drop in the ocean of eternity, blah blah sands in the hourglass, blah blah. You see a robed, hooded figure off in the near-infinite distance and hustle over to catch up with him. It turns out to be the personification of Death. You get a little dizzy looking at him/her -- he/she switches between a robed, hooded bald guy, a robed, hooded skeleton, and a hot goth girl.

"GREETINGS." It says. "WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A GAME? MAYBE SOME CHESS? OR PARCHEESI? ANYTHING BUT TWISTER. I SUCK AT TWISTER."

"No thanks," you respond, edging away. "I'm just contemplating the infinite."

"AH, YES," it says. "I'VE SEEN THE INFINITE. IT'S BLUE."

You look around. "It doesn't look blue to me..."

"TRUST ME," it says. "FROM THE OUTSIDE, IT'S BLUE."

"But you can't get outside the infinite... it's, y'know... infinite."

Death stares at you from empty eye sockets, blue eyes rimmed with eyeliner, and brown bloodshot eyes. "HAVE IT YOUR WAY. SO, WANNA PLAY SOME BATTLESHIP?"

You manage to sink Death's battleship in a modicum of eternal time. Silly blue-infinite-espousing personification of a natural force.

---*...*---

Results:You wander around Valhallalala contemplating the infinite. The best you can come up with is it's really, really big. As you contemplate adding another "really" to your assessment, you happen upon a group of shades passing around some kind of burning tube full of weeds.

"'Sup, dude?" One of them says.

"Oh, y'know, just contemplating the infinite," you say.

"Gets pretty boring, doesn't it, man?"

"Well, y'know..."

"Here, man." The shade passes you the burning tube. "Suck on this for a second. You just need to narrow your perceptions for a while. This'll get your head in a totally finite, mundane space, dude."

You take the tube and inhale some of the smoke.

Things... change.

You're fighting a fiendish can of asparagus

In the Haunted Pantry, you're attacked by a fiendish can of asparagus. Cans of asparagus aren't normally all that scary, but this one's got a knife!

You get the jump on it.

You hit for 6 damage. BONK! SOCKO! BIFF!

You win the fight!

You gain 5 Meat.

You gain 1 Beefiness.

---*...*---

Results:You wander around contemplating the infinite. You figure out that it's neverending, eternal, and also really really large. You crack a yawn as you think about how infinite it is yet again.

A fellow shade approaches you and hands you a black ball with the infinity symbol on its side. "Here," he says. "This'll help you in your contemplation."

You toss the infinity ball around for a while and notice it has a little window on its back. You look into it and see a message: "My Sources Say Yes."

What could it mean? You look into the window again and see "Concentrate and Ask Again Later."

You concentrate as hard as you can and then check the window again. "My Sources Say No."

You decide the best way to use this ball to contemplate the infinite is to chuck it as hard as you can, and contemplate that no matter how far it flies, it will be no closer to the edge of infinity.

---*...*---

Council of Loathing: Hijos de su Pink Floyd!

2005-11-18T17:38:00.000-06:00

Miren lo ke dicen los desgraciados:

Council of Loathing

"Congratulations, Adventurer! It's the end of your quest as we know it. Don't worry, we feel fine. You've freed the king and made us obsolete. Ah, well. Hail to the king, baby.

There's one little matter of obscure prophecy we forgot to tell you about, though. Sorry -- Dave, our librarian, just brought it to our attention. Apparently, your physical presence is somehow tied to the continuing monster attacks in the kingdom. As long as you remain on this plane of existence, the attacks will continue. It seems that it wasn't just the Sorceress -- the monsters just really, really don't like you.

I don't suppose you'd bugger off this mortal coil, would you? Our instruments (especially the tuba) show there's a rip in the fabric of reality that appeared when you fought the Sorceress. If you jump in there, you'll ascend to a higher plane and peace will rule our land."

Back to Seaside Town

King Ralph

2005-11-18T17:14:00.000-06:00

Sorceress' Chamber

You shout "Hi-keeba!" and deliver a fierce karate chop to the prism. It shatters into a quintillion tiny pieces of magic, which whirl around the king and blow him back to safety on top of the decimated sorceress' tower.

The shards of magic form a swirling vortex in the sky, which rips a gash in the very fabric of reality. Whoops.

King Ralph the XI stands before you in all his regal glory. "I'm sorry, adventurer," he says, "but the king is in another castle." Then he breaks into a hearty chuckle. "Well done, adventurer! You laid the smack down on that skank with admirable derring-do and panache. I am eternally in your debt."

The Sorceress' Tower (Top)

A scintillating, vibrating hole in the very fabric of reality floats just above the ruins of the sorceress' chamber. Looking at it makes your eyes hurt a little bit, and the high-pitched whistling noise coming out of it doesn't help, either. Still, its siren call is hard to resist.

Combat!

2005-11-18T17:10:00.000-06:00

Combat!

You're fighting The Naughty Sorceress (3)

"Dang it!" you shout. "How many times do I have to kill you? This battle has taken over a half an hour and there's no save point!"
"Ha! You will never defeat me!" The Sorceress cackles. There is a muffled *POP* and a slightly greasy smell as the apparition vanishes and is replaced by a nasty-looking floating sausage.

The sausage PELTS YOU WITH MYSTERY MEAT. You were never sure what was in a knob sausage, and you don't want to find out. Fortunately, your Wand of Nagamar glows brightly and the attack dissippates, leaving an EPHEMERAL, TWISTY, MUSTY TOY.

It writhes in the air, exuding a stale smell and flickering in and out of existence. Finally, it winks out altogether, leaving only the scent of mold in its wake.

The sausage attacks you with a BARRAGE OF CONDIMENTS. You mustard up the courage to wave your Wand of Nagamar, which glows brightly. The barrage disappears, and in its place you see a GRAND FABRIC MOOSE NET.

The net hangs in the air, seeking out moose to entrap. When it doesn't see any around, it vanishes.

The sausage spins around, casting an enormously powerful sausage spell: the dreaded KINGDOM BANE FISHLOB. Rotten fish fly through the air toward you.

You grit your teeth, curl your lip, and wave your Wand of Nagamar one last time. Reality bends and twists around you as you are nearly blown backwards by the Wand's power. A FAMISHED KNOB GOBLIN appears where the flying fish had been.

He walks over to the sausage and devours it in three bites, then wanders back towards Cobb's Knob.

"Wow, that was anticlimactic," you think. But the sorceress has been defeated and the way to the imprismed king is clear.

You win the fight!You gain 111 Fortitude.
You gain 132 Wizardliness.
You gain 257 Smarm.

Adopciones

2005-11-17T14:41:00.000-06:00

Debido a "una serie de sucesos infortunados", no me es posible hacerme cargo de algunas cuentas de KOL que tengo a mi cargo.

Todas ellas han sido bien trabajadas y de buen nivel, por lo cual me parece una pena simplemente dejarlas desaparecer.

Se me ha ocurrido que quizás alguno de Uds. quisieran tomarlas en adopción.

Las características de ellas, por si están interesados:

Gigi Agosto - Nivel 17 - Sauceror

Zeegee - Nivel 20 - Accordion Thief

Cecilia j - Nivel 25 - Disco Bandit

Gnauga - Nivel 8 - Pastamancer

Me pueden contactar por Kmail o aqui.

Saludos compañeros Koleros.

2005-11-04T09:30:00.000-06:00

Queria hacer algunos comentario con respecto a KoL:

La verdad despues del evento sucedido en días pasados estoy muy descepcionado, despues de dos ascenciones tenía una incontable cantidad de artículos en el almacen pues estoy corriendo una ascención en modo HC. Todo lo que tenía lo perdí, envié un correo para que lo restablecieran y me mandan el siguiente mensaje:

================================
From Multi Czar (#6) [reply] [quoted]
Date: Thursday, November 03, 01:43PM
Please send us a list of the specific things that you lost. The important items among what you lost can be returned if you tell us what they were.
================================

Como putas esperan que redordemos exactamente todo lo que teniamos en el storage... Es casi imposible, todo lo jugado esta perdido, outfits, Mr. Store Items, etc...

Yo, despues de haber donado mas de US$60 al KoL realmente no se si seguerí adelante. De todos modos espero que sigan adelante y que les vaya bien...

Saludos

Resuelto el quest de los zombies

2005-11-03T09:09:00.000-06:00

Hay que obtener las zombie pineal glands del seaside town del futuro, ir al Doc Galaktik del presente y cambiarlas por la Loaded Serum Blowgun. Aquí el contenido:

Doc Galaktik disappears into the back of his wagon for a few minutes, then reemerges, holding a blowfish. "Whoops," he says, goes back, and reemerges holding a blowgun.

"Here you are, my friend! This is loaded with a dart coated with a single dose of my patented Gray Plague innoculation, Ofuxxor™"

You acquire an item: loaded serum blowgun

loaded serum blowgun

This blowgun contains a dart coated in Ofuxxor™ serum. Are you plagued by gray chat? Is your text getting lighter and lighter? Do you cough more than you hic? Ofuxxor™ can help. Ask your doctor about Ofuxxor™ today!
Ofuxxor™ may cause missing limbs, lack of marmosets, and overall malaise. Pregnant women, or men who are impregnated with alien embryos, should not take Ofuxxor.

Type: usable (self or others)
Cannot be discarded

Para dispararla, hay que ir al inventario, a los misceláneos, y usarla en un jugador.

Shoot the blowgun at (name or playerid)
[search players]

You have 1 more blowgun.

Back to Inventory

Después de usarla..

Results:
You sneak up on necroman, aim, and fire! Direct hit to the eye! You hear a satisfying "OWWW!" come out of necroman as you stealthily slink away.
You acquire an item: empty blowgun
Now what in the heck are you going to do with this?

Shoot someone with a blowgun.
You don't have any more of those.Back to Inventory

28 days into the Future

2005-11-01T12:42:00.000-06:00

Aca está una nueva aventura del Council of Loathing:

Ah, good, just the Adventurer we wanted to see. We expect that, by now, you've noticed all the temporal rifts popping up around the Kingdom. Well, in our historical archive, we found an old medical journal dating back to the Cola Wars. Apparently, many soldiers on both sides of the war were infected by a mysterious plague, contracted from some of the many unexpected reinforcements that joined the two armies during the battle for the Nearby Plains. The symptoms described sound eerily similar to the plague that's been infecting our population in the present time.

The bad news is: the journal says that, left uncured, the Gray Plague turns those infected with it into mindless, slavering zombies. The good news is: the military doctors were able to formulate a vaccine for the Gray Plague. The other bad news is: the primary ingredient for the cure is a certain gland found in the heads of the aforementioned zombies.

However, we've been able to come up with a solution. Don't ask how, but we've managed to create a rift that leads to a temporal location of our choosing, to wit: the Seaside Town, 28 days from now, after the entire population of the Kingdom has transformed into zombies. We need you to travel there and collect the ingredients for the cure, and then bring them back to the current time so that we can figure out how to immunize the citizens of Loathing against the infection.

Oh, and don't try to leave the town while you're in the future, as the rest of the Kingdom is highly radioactive. Apparently, one of us decided -- um, decides? Will be going to decide? -- that nuking the Kingdom from orbit would be the only way to be sure. It probably will have sounded like a good idea at the time.

Halloween con el Dyspepsi-Cola y Cloaca-Cola Uniform

2005-10-31T12:03:00.000-06:00

McDonald, the 105-year-old Cloaca-Cola Veteran

Dyspepsi is on the march again! Dammit, Martha, fetch me my bow! You just clear out of here, you whippersnapper, or I'll fill you so full of arrows they'll use your body as a coat rack! You won the war, dammit, why do you keep comin' around my house? Get offa my lawn! Take this! Consarn it, I forgot to pull the pin. Martha, where's my bow? And when's jello?

You acquire an item: Cloaca grenade

Jackson, the 106-year-old Dyspepsi-Cola Veteran

Well, now! Back for more, eh? Well, sonny, I beat you eighty-five years ago and I'll beat you again. Just you wait while I fetch my sword. Did you know, in the war, we couldn't even get toffee? Yup, toffee was rationed. There were days when I would have gladly killed a man for a piece of toffee. Couldn't get no limes, either. Dyspepsi's Navy needed 'em. Wards off scurvy, y'know. I remember the posters they used to have: "If You're Eating Toffee, You're Aiding Cloaca-Cola!", "The Road to Hell is Paved with Limes and Toffee!"

Wait, what was I talking about, whippersnapper? Oh, yeah. I was about to kill you, wasn't I? Take this! Dangit, I forgot to pull the pin. Anyway, back in my days in the Dyspepsi-Cola Infantry, we... zzzzzz...

You acquire an item: Dyspepsi grenade

Halloween at Aflubadubdub (II)

2005-10-29T15:11:00.000-06:00

You look around to make sure nobody's watching you, and tear open the package.

From: Aflubadubdub.

No one answers, so you rip the door open. Funny enough, this is one of those crazy front doors that opens outwards! No sooner do you pull the handle, an avalanche of Dyspepsi Cola cans buries you on the front porch. A rather upset looking cow plods up to you.

"Ah yes. I was testing a little... urban legend shall we say. Due to the enchanced nature of my gastrointestinal system, it took a bit more work to test than it would for one of you puny adventurers. Would you like to try it for yourself? I'd offer you some Cola to complete phase two, but... well. Yes."

The cow hooves some candy into your bag, and turns to plod off. You notice four little holes blasted into the cows underside, and wonder if the whole Cola thing is really such a good idea...

You acquire an item: Rock Pops

Si no me equivoco, aca hacen referencia a los Cazadores de Mitos (Myth Busters) del Discovery Channel en su episodio Piloto #1:

The Pop Rocks and soda legend concerns a boy known as little Mikey, who was featured in commercials for Life cereal. Some years later, Mikey was challenged by his friends to eat six packs of Pop Rocks candy with six cans of soda. According to the myth, the carbon dioxide in the candy combined with the carbon dioxide in the soda to create so much pressure that Mikey's stomach exploded and he died. Our MythBusters risk their lives for you, the viewer, in these two death-defying experiments.

Halloween donde Aflubdubdub

2005-10-29T11:21:00.000-06:00

Manden un mensaje a Aflubdubdub con el texto "Trick or Meat!" para recibir su regalito.

You look around to make sure nobody's watching you, and tear open the package.

From: Aflubadubdub.

You hear someone muttering something about interruptions, and the door flies open. "What the #0@ do you want?", he screams at you. You can barely make him out, as the only light available is coming from a bank of computers.
>open 67.18.115.2
>for(m=1 to 75) do
> login(meat_mlti_[m])
> for i=1 to 3: equip_meat_gem()
> for a=1 to 44: adventure(64)
> for (i=1 to 3) : unequip_meat_gem()
> kmail(meat_mtli[m+1], meat_gem, meat_gem, meat_gem)
> logout()
> end do.

"Um, hey, isn't that the IP of Kingdom of Loa..."
"What if it is? Here, take this and screw off, ya punk. Get outa here before I beat your brains in!" With that, he thrusts something into your hands.

You acquire an item: Angry Farmer candy

Recetas para Booze (Parte I)

2005-10-29T10:20:00.000-06:00

Existen varios tipos de Booze dentro del Reino: Básicos, creados por Mezclas sencillas (Mixing), los que requieren ciertos "adornos especiales" (como las Tiny Plastic Sword (TPS), Little Paper Umbrellas (LPU) ) y los que requieren el Advanced Cocktailcrafting Skill (sólo Disco Bandits o Clases que tengan esa habilidad como un Softcore Permanent Skill)

Mientras más elaborada sea la mezcla, más aventuras y más sub-stats se logran con ellas, así como mayor nivel de intoxicación.

En esta primera parte se postea las recetas necesarias para la elaboración de los 4 tipos de Booze.

Esta información fue recopilada por epeterso2 y obtenida por Carito.

Mt. McLargeHuge

2005-10-29T09:41:00.000-06:00

Hay otra ventana del tiempo:

You're fighting an emaciated Knott Yeti
You hit for 58 damage. KERBLAM! KERBLAM! KERBLAM! KERBLAM! BIFF! ZAP! WHACK! KAPOW!You win the fight!

You gain 62 Meat.

Trog does a little fairy dance.

You gain 9 Strengthliness.
You gain 4 Mysteriousness.
You gain 2 Chutzpah.

Adventure again (The Icy Peak in the Recent Past)

Miren en el McLarge Huge

2005-10-28T15:54:00.000-06:00

You're fighting A Mob Penguin Pasta Chef

As you near the Icy Peak, you encounter one of the penguins whose duty it is to provide tasty pasta dishes to the Penguin Mafia.
"Heyyy," says the penguin, "You don'ta belong here. I beata you head in!"

You get the jump on him.

You do not aim with your hand. He who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of Sneaky Pete. You aim with your Moxie.

You hit for 114 damage. BONK! BOOF! SOCKO! ZAP! ZAP! ZOT! SOCKO! KERBLAM! ZOT! BIFF!

You win the fight!

You gain 30 Meat.

Pecoso does a little fairy dance.

You gain 8 Strengthliness.
You gain 3 Enchantedness.
You gain 10 Smarm.

You're fighting A Mob Penguin Soprano

This penguin occupies a position of great authority in the Penguin Mafia. One word from him, and an army of armed thugs will come to your house and break your arms, and possibly your armoire.
He also sings a mean aria. Really, really mean. If it weren't for the occasional panic attacks, he'd be almost unstoppable.

You get the jump on him.

You do not aim with your hand. He who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of Sneaky Pete. You aim with your Moxie.

You hit for 102 damage. WHAM! ZAP! ZAP! BOOF! BARF! KAPOW! WHACK! BIFF! BIFF! KAPOW!

You win the fight!

You gain 31 Meat.

Pecoso does a little fairy dance.

You acquire an item: support cummerbund

You acquire an item: Mob Penguin cellular phone

You acquire an item: mafia aria

You gain 14 Fortitude.
You gain 5 Mysteriousness.
You gain 5 Roguishness.

You're fighting A Mob Penguin Pasta Chef

As you near the Icy Peak, you encounter one of the penguins whose duty it is to provide tasty pasta dishes to the Penguin Mafia.
"Heyyy," says the penguin, "You don'ta belong here. I beata you head in!"

You get the jump on him.

You do not aim with your hand. He who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of Sneaky Pete. You aim with your Moxie.

You hit for 115 damage. BARF! POW! WHACK! BARF! KAPOW! BONK! ZAP! ZOT! ZOT! ZOT!

You win the fight!

You gain 28 Meat.

Pecoso does a little fairy dance.

You acquire an item: iron pasta spoon

You gain 12 Strengthliness.
You gain 3 Enchantedness.
You gain 7 Sarcasm.

Objetos que se obtienen en The Cola Wars Battlefield

2005-10-28T12:12:00.000-06:00

Cloaca-Cola Uniform: (Aventurar sin x-Cola Outfit) Tatuaje Disponible

Cloaca-Cola Helmet
Cloaca-Cola Fatigues
Cloaca-Cola Shield

Dyspepsi-Cola Uniform: (Aventurar sin x-Cola Outfit) Tatuaje Disponible

Dyspepsi-Cola Helmet
Dyspepsi-Cola Fatigues
Dyspepsi-Cola Shield

Aventurar con Cloaca-Cola Uniform

Dyspepsi-Cola
Dyspepsi Grenade
Dyspepsi-Cola Knapsack
Dyspepsi-Cola d-Rations
Dyspepsi-Cola-issue Canteen

Aventurar con Dyspepsi-Cola Uniform

Cloaca-Cola
Cloaca Grenade
Cloaca-Cola Knapsack
Cloaca-Cola c-Rations
Cloaca-Cola-issue Combat Knife

2005-10-28T10:45:00.000-06:00

Kneatly Knicking the Knapsack

You're picking your way carefully through the battlefield, trying to stay out of trouble, when a Cloaca-Cola soldier stumbles up to you. His red shirt conceals the blood, but from the numerous slashes in the fabric and his belabored breathing, you can see he's on his last legs.
He grabs your arm weakly, and gasps, "Tell... tell my wife... I... I love... the refreshing taste of Cloaca-Cola..."
Then he collapses to the ground, and after a respectful moment of silence, you hork his knapsack.

You acquire an item: Cloaca-Cola knapsack

Tatuajes por los trajes

2005-10-28T10:21:00.000-06:00

"Hooray! Now I can once again create paintings of such stunning beauty, such rich symbolism, that maybe a few people in this horrible, oppressive world can begin to understand my pain."

The artist pours the pail of paint into a huge barrel, then says "Oh, hey, umm, do you want this empty pail? I don't really have room for it, so if you want it, you can have it."

You acquire an item: pail

Please allow me to paint your portrait...

What's the matter? Can't find any innocent civilians to blow up? Here. Take this painting. I'll paint another copy later to burn in protest.

You have unlocked a new tattoo.

Please allow me to paint your portrait...

Oh. I suppose you're going to criticize me for not "supporting" you. Here. You can wave it like a flag as you slaughter the innocent.

You have unlocked a new tattoo.

Cloaca-Cola Catapult Engineer II

2005-10-28T09:46:00.000-06:00

You're fighting a Cloaca-Cola Catapult Engineer

You encounter a Cloaca-Cola Catapult Engineer trying to load a huge rock into a catapult. He rolls the rock back and forth, trying to get enough momentum going to load the catapult.
"That's it!" you shout. "Rock? Rolling? Cola Wars? I can't take this any more!" You charge forward waving your weapon.

He gets the jump on you.

He rolls over you with his rolling rock. You feel vaguely like you've just drank something that wasn't quite beer. Argh! Ugh! Oof! Ow!

You lose 14 hit points.

You hit for 19 damage. WHACK! BONK! KERBLAM! KERBLAM! ZOT!

He shouts, "This is for the Space Monkey Mafia!" and rolls his rock over your groin. Ouch! Ooh! Eek! Eek!

You lose 13 hit points.

You hit for 23 damage. BIFF! SMACK! WHACK! KAPOW! KERBLAM!You win the fight!You gain 9 Strengthliness.
You gain 1 Wizardliness.
You gain 2 Sarcasm.

You're fighting a Cloaca-Cola Soldier

2005-10-28T09:40:00.000-06:00

You're fighting a Cloaca-Cola Soldier

As you make your way across the battlefield, you are spotted by one of the red-shirted Cloaca-Cola soldiers. He charges at you, shouting "Cloaca is it!" You start to ask "Cloaca is what?", but by then he's already trying to bash your skull in. Er, trying in which to bash your skull.

He gets the jump on you.

He hits you so hard it makes your teeth hurt. Oof! Ugh! Ow! Ow!

You lose 14 hit points.

You hit for 19 damage. KERBLAM! BIFF! ZAP! POW! WHAM!

He hits you so hard it makes your teeth hurt. Ugh! Ugh! Argh! Argh!

You lose 13 hit points.

You lose. You slink away, dejected and defeated.

Cloaca-Cola Catapult Engineer

2005-10-28T09:38:00.000-06:00

You're fighting a Cloaca-Cola Catapult Engineer

You encounter a Cloaca-Cola Catapult Engineer trying to load a huge rock into a catapult. He rolls the rock back and forth, trying to get enough momentum going to load the catapult.
"That's it!" you shout. "Rock? Rolling? Cola Wars? I can't take this any more!" You charge forward waving your weapon.

He gets the jump on you.

He shouts, "This is for the Space Monkey Mafia!" and rolls his rock over your skull. Oof! Ow! Argh! Argh!

You lose 13 hit points.

You hit for 20 damage. ZAP! KERBLAM! SPLAT! WHAM! BARF!You win the fight!You gain 11 Strongness.
You gain 2 Mysteriousness.

Sigo con el Cloaca Outfit

2005-10-28T09:30:00.000-06:00

You're fighting a Dyspepsi-Cola Knight

As you make your way across the battlefield, you are surprised by a fully-armored knight in a Dyspepsi-Cola tabard, waving a two-handed sword over his head wildly and bellowing as he runs at you. Clearly an example of caffeine addiction. You wonder what a nice sword like that's doing on a knight like him.

You get the jump on him.

You hit for 22 damage. BARF! BONK! ZAP! BOOF! KAPOW!

He belches a hideous belch at you. The air turns green, as does your face. Ow! Eek! Oof! Ugh!

You lose 13 hit points.

You hit for 21 damage. SMACK! SMACK! BARF! SPLAT! ZAP!You win the fight!

Flakolas feasts on the corpse, then touches you gently on the cheek.

You gain 25 hit points.

You gain 19 Muscularity Points.

You acquire an item: Dyspepsi-Cola

You gain 6 Muscleboundness.
You gain 2 Mysteriousness.

2005-10-28T09:29:00.000-06:00

You're fighting a Dyspepsi-Cola General

This guy is the strangest general you've ever seen. He dances back and forth upon the battle field, making inspirational speeches in a high-pitched voice. For some reason, he keeps grabbing his crotch every time his army cheers. One thing's for sure -- you don't want to shake hands with this guy.

You get the jump on him.

You hit for 24 damage. POW! BIFF! KAPOW! BAM! BARF!

He smacks you with his gauntleted hand. Hey, why is he only wearing one gauntlet, anyway? Ow! Ouch! Ow! Ouch!

You lose 13 hit points.

You hit for 25 damage. BAM! BARF! WHACK! SMACK! SPLAT!You win the fight!

Flakolas feasts on the corpse, then touches you gently on the cheek.

You gain 25 hit points.

You gain 14 Muscularity Points.

You gain 6 Beefiness.
You gain 2 Sarcasm.

Listen to the Blue Leader

2005-10-28T09:26:00.000-06:00

The blue-uniformed soldiers are battered and weary, but nevertheless optimistic. Their eyes gleam as their leader speaks to them in tones of strength and power:

"Once more into the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our Dyspepsian dead.
In peace, there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger!
I see you stand like grayhounds in the slips,
Straining upon the start. The game's afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon such foundation
Cry 'Dyspepsi -- the choice of a new generation!'"

With a cheer, the troops run up the hill to engage their enemy. The battle is costly, but in the end they emerge victorious.

In their celebration, they don't notice as you make off with one of their spare shields.

You acquire an item: Dyspepsi-Cola shield

Sexto

2005-10-28T09:24:00.000-06:00

As you wander through the battlefield, you find yourself caught between two skirmishing factions. Six Dyspepsians and five Cloacians hack and slash at each other, but neither side can gain any ground. One of the Dyspepsians notices you and hails you.
"Hey there, you! Are you loyal to that nectar of the gods, the drink of all the successful and beautiful, Dyspepsi-Cola?"
"Pay him no mind," says a soldier in full Cloaca-Cola regalia. "Do you drink the drink of the new, successful, well-to-do lord and lady, Cloaca-Cola?"
"Um..." you say. "Mostly, I just drink water."
"WATER!?" they both shout, and all eleven soldiers charge you. You wait until they leap at you, then slink away while they're bashing away at where you used to be standing.

You gain 7 Cheek.

Quinto

2005-10-28T09:22:00.000-06:00

As you wander the corpse-strewn battlefield, you see a giant man in a giant breastplate painted with the Cloaca-Cola insignia. He's standing with his hands on his knees, taking a break from the battle. As you draw closer, you recognize his face from drawings in your history books.
"Wow, you're Mean José Verde!" you say. "You're the meanest, orneriest, most vicious... er... sorry to bother you, sir." You find a can of Cloaca-Cola amidst the detritus on the battlefield. "Here, Mean José!"
The man glares at you, then drains the can in one long swallow and smiles at you. "Thanks, kid." He takes off his breastplate and throws it at you.
You're crushed beneath the weight, but getting out from under it proves to be an effective workout.

You gain 23 Strengthliness.

Cuarta

2005-10-28T09:20:00.000-06:00

Igual que la primera, pero me fui por el cloaca y...

You charge up to help the soldier in red, just a moment too late -- the soldier in blue deals him a vicious slash to the left shoulder before you can dispatch him.

The Cloacan spits angrily on the blue-uniformed corpse, and unstraps his shield from his now-useless arm, wincing as he does so. "Thank you for your aid, but I fear you have not saved my life for long. Our side will not see victory this day.

"Here, take this," he says, handing you his shield. "May it serve you better than it did me."

You acquire an item: Cloaca-Cola shield

Tercera

2005-10-28T09:16:00.000-06:00

You find yourself on an ancient -- at least in your terms -- battlefield. Your ears ring with the clash of sword against shield and the screams of dying men and horses as arrows rain from the sky like, well, arrows.

"Oi, you there. You don't look like one of them -- mind giving me a hand here?" You turn to see a shabbily-dressed man hunched over a cart laden with the corpses of fallen soldiers. "One of my wheels has gotten stuck in a rut or something."

He sees the way you're looking at the bodies, and nods grimly. "Terrible sight, innit? All these young lads dead, and for what? Beverage preferences. Completely daft, if you ask me. These lads in the red, they're fighting for Cloaca-Cola. Them in the blue are for Dyspepsi." He raises his eyebrows at you. "Which do you favor, then?"

Dyspepsi Cola
Cloaca Cola
Don't Get Involved

Me fui por la Dyspepsi Cola y ...
The man sniffs. "No accounting for taste, I suppose. Always found it too sugary, meself. Not fizzy enough, neither. You wouldn't see me killing nobody over it though, I'll tell you that for free."

After you help him push his cart out of the rut, he pulls a knapsack out of the cart, and tosses you a pair of blue pants. "There y'are. Now you can show your allegience properly, if you've a mind."

You watch quietly for a moment as he trundles away with his cart.

You acquire an item: Dyspepsi-Cola fatigues

La segunda

2005-10-28T09:13:00.000-06:00

You hear a shout close by, and spin around to see two soldiers charging at each other -- one dressed in red, his shield divided by a wavy white ribbon across the middle; the other dressed in blue, with a round shield in red, white, and blue.

"Dyspepsi's got your taste for death, scum!" shouts the soldier in blue. His opponent responds, "Death goes better with Cloaca, filthy Dyspepsian dog!" They clash again, with little effect -- they seem pretty evenly matched.

Help the Dyspepsi Soldier
Help the Cloaca Soldier
Don't Get Involved

Me fui por el Dyspepsi Soldier, y...

You rush into the fray, levelling a blow at the soldier in red. Your weapon rings off his helmet, but the distraction proves sufficient -- the other soldier runs him through with his sword.

"I thank you for your aid, my friend," says the Dyspepsian, removing his helmet. "You are quite out of uniform -- was the massing of reinforcements so hasty? Here, take my helm. It wouldn't do to have you killed by our own men."

You acquire an item: Dyspepsi-Cola helmet

Día 1 después del desastre

2005-10-28T09:11:00.000-06:00

Jick, creador del juego en línea Kingdom Of Loathing, borró algunas tablas de la base de datos, dejándonos con los KOL Shakes durante dos días. Ahora que lo restituyó, nos dejó un item interesante y contenido adicional.

Actualmente estoy en el Battlefield y esta fue mi primera aventura:

As you wander through the battlefield, you come upon a wooden stand with a big sign proclaming "Cloaca-Cola: Have a Cloaca and a Smile!" As you draw closer, a nervous-looking man behind the counter quickly turns the sign around. It now reads "Be Reincarnated with the Dyspepsi Generation."
"Dyspepsi: it brings your ancestors back from the dead, citizen," he greets you.
"Oh, I'm not a Dyspepsi soldier."
"Oh, oh my goodness! Of course not! I was just -- undercover. Yes." The man flips the sign back around. "Bite the wax tadpole, comrade."
"Er, I'm not a Cloaca soldier either," you say. "So what, you're selling cola to both sides?"
"Business is business, friend," he says. "Although not much business, at these prices. It's practically cutting my own head off!"
You turn away disgusted, tossing a fireball over your shoulder. If there's one thing you can't stand, it's people who aren't firm in their convictions. At least, you're pretty sure you can't stand that. Whatever.

You gain 13 Mysteriousness.


Foodstuffs

		gingerbread massacre (50 Meat) This is a big plate full of gingerbread men who have been hacked, slashed, and broken into pieces. It's all topped with bright-red frosting "blood" and sugary "bones!" Looks like that whole "you can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!" taunt was a little premature.

		It Came From Beyond Dessert (75 Meat) This is an assortment of licorice whips, cunningly decorated to look like tentacles, all attached to a cupcake coated with green frosting. It's absolutely adorable. Or it would be, if the tentacles weren't constantly twitching and snaking around.

		vampire cake (100 Meat) This isn't a cake with an insatiable bloodlust, thank goodness. It's just a little festive cake shaped like a vampire, with candy corn for fangs and a candy cane through its heart. It'd be cute, except it's not casting a reflection in the mirror above the counter.



Libations

		ecto-nog (50 Meat) What could possibly make eggnog any tastier? Why, mixing it with a few ounces of fresh ectoplasm, of course! The glass of ecto-nog glows a bright, festive green, and occasionally levitates off the table a little.

		hot toady (75 Meat) This is a lovely mix of honey, tea, lemon, brandy, and frog's breath. Though nothing's more suspicious than frog's breath, this actually smells pretty tasty.

		hot choculate (100 Meat) This ancient vampire recipe is comprised of a mug of hot chocolate, a dash of peppermint schnapps, and a special 'secret ingredient.' Although, given what vampires are known for, it's probably not that big of a secret.