The f'c'le

Al ganar la pelea de insultos, se tiene acceso a The F'c'le

The Obligatory Pirate's Cove

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You're fighting a cleanly pirate

This pirate is obsessed with hygiene and grooming. His fingernails are always dirt-free, his hair always neatly washed and combed, and his skin scrubbed to ruddy perfection. He'd stand out in any crowd of people, but on a filthy pirate vessel he's like a gold tooth in a vat of motor oil.

It's rumored, incidentally, that his obsession with cleanliness comes from always playing second fiddle to his childhood friend, the godly pirate.

You get the jump on him.

Swabbie™ swab

This is a small cotton swab designed to clean out the ears of pirates. Why do you need a special swab for that? Well, it's got a specially curved handle so it doesn't get caught on earrings, and it's got a little piece of carrot on one end to distract any parrots that might be on you shoulder while you're cleaning out your ears.

Type: usable
Selling Price: 35 Meat.

You're fighting a creamy pirate

This pirate is practically smothered in various creams. He slathers on various unguents for everything from dry skin to missing limbs. No one knows why he does it -- maybe he was born under a bad sign. He usually spends his time hanging out in a white room with black curtains, far from the sunshine of your love, but today he's passing the time on the pirate ship before he dances the night away.

You get the jump on him.

creamsicle

This is a pirate popsicle you pirated from a pirate. One end of the stick says "What does a pirate put on toast?" You'll have to eat the popsicle to read the answer.

Type: food
Level required: 3
Selling Price: 55 Meat.

Oil of Parrrlay

"Parrrlay" is a special pirate term for a meeting where two hostile pirate parties can talk things over peaceably, without all the maiming and killing that usually would ensue. This oil, according to the label, "be as smooth and soothing as a good parrrlay. If ye rubs it on your face first thing in the mornin', ye'll be ready for whatever the unforgiving sea should throw at ye."

Type: usable
Selling Price: 55 Meat.

ball polish

You giggle as you read the back of this tube of cream: "Apply liberally to balls. Rub balls vigorously until desired level of shininess is achieved, being careful not to break balls with excessive force. To avoid sticky balls, remove all excess polish with a damp cloth when finished."

Type: usable
Cannot be traded
Cannot be discarded
Quest Item

cream stout

This is a bottle of creamy, thick beer. You're not sure what makes it "stout." Maybe it's just warning you that you'll get fat if you drink too many of them. I mean, it's pretty much a liquid loaf of bread.

Type: booze
Level required: 3
Selling Price: 55 Meat.

You're fighting a clingy pirate

As you wander the deck of the pirate ship, a female pirate walks up and grabs you by the arm. "There you are, honey!" she says.

"Yup, here I am," you reply, "and I really should be continuing this quest, so I'll just --"

She tightens her grip. "Where are you going? How long will you be gone? I'll miss you! Do you have your cell phone with you? Don't look at any other pirates, okay?"

You make another attempt to pry her off of your arm, and she bursts into tears. "I see how you are! You just aren't invested in this relationship, are you?"

"What relationshi-- ow!"

You get the jump on her.

bit of clingfilm

This is a bit of clingfilm -- a translucent unit of joy glinting softly in the moonlight. Who knows what happy purpose you might put it to? Perhaps a turtle.

Type: usable
Selling Price: 60 Meat.
Cannot be traded

You're fighting a chatty pirate

So, the other day I was standing here on the ship, looking out at the ocean, and then another pirate walked up and looked at the ocean with me for a while, and then he walked away. Then I went down to the galley and ate lunch -- it was nothing fancy, just some hardtack and grog -- I wonder why they call it hardtack, anyway? I guess it's hard because it's dehydrated, but I'm not sure where the 'tack' part comes from. Anyway, I finished lunch, then I went upstairs and stared at the ocean some more, and then...

You get the jump on him.

You're fighting a curmudgeonly pirate

This pirate wants you to get off of his lawn, even though there isn't a lawn on the ship, as far as you can see. He's also not fond of the hippity-hoppity music you kids today are listening to, and wishes to remind you that when he was your age, he knew how to respect his elders.

He's the ship's janitor, so he spends most of the day leaning on a mop and saying "back in my day," to anyone who will listen.

You get the jump on him.

Lucha de Insultos!

"You're more pathetic than a toothless watchdog!"
"I'm not really comfortable being compared to your girlfriend that way."

"My skill with the blade makes men like you green with envy!"
"I'd've thought yellow would be more your color."

"Many wretches like ye have challenged me, but not one of them has succeeded!"
"It only seems that way because you haven't learned to count to one."

Luego contra Ricket

"However -- Arrr, the power of me serve'll flay the skin from yer bones!"
"Obviously neither your tongue nor your wit is sharp enough for the job."

"The streets will run red with yer blood when I'm through with ye!"
"I'd've thought yellow would be more your color."

Y el resultado es....

Results:

"I'd've thought yellow would be more your color." You laugh as Rickets' eyes widen and he fumbles the shot. The ball bounces high, and you spike it forcefully back to his side of the table, where it lands in one of his cups with a resounding splot! "Souse me for a gurnet," mutters Rickets, the color draining out of his face. "That be the devil's own backspin, and no mistaking it!" His resolve is clearly broken, and the rest of the game goes quickly. Soon the other pirates are cheering and lifting you up on their shoulders, proclaiming you to be the new master of insult beer pong.

Huzzah!

After a few victory laps atop the ocean of revelers, you swagger back over to Cap'm Caronch's table, flush with your victory. "Well, now, Mr. Fancypants," you say, "what do you think of that?" "Truly, 'twas a most impressive display of verbal prowess," the Cap'm says. "I suppose ye'll be wanting to be inducted into my crew now, eh?" "Well, actually, I was thinking of going pro on the Insult Beer Pong circuit. Maybe I don't need you and I don't need your crew! What do you think about that?" "I think," Caronch says, "that there be no such thing as the Insult Beer Pong circuit. So I wish ye good luck, and I'm glad to be rid of ye." "Wait," you say, "I'm sorry. The rigors of your interview process just had me burned out a little. Please may I join your crew?" "Well, all right," the Cap'm says, "ye can board the ship and report to the F'c'le for your assignments." "The what?" "Well, it's actually called the Forecastle, but we pirates are so busy that we usually just call it the Fo'csle. Me and me crew are even busier than that, so..." "Got it." you say. "So, what am I going to do in the F'c'le?" "Well," the Cap'm replies, "for yer insolence, I'll be givin' ye the most menial tasks I can think of. Ye'll have to swab the mizzenmast, polish the cannonballs, and shampoo the rigging before ye'll be a full-fledged member of my crew." "Do I have to wear some kind of humiliating outfit while I do it?" you ask. "Great Mike Nesmith, no!" the Cap'm says. "We may be no-good, thieving, lying brigands, but we're not frat boys!" "Oh," you say, slightly disappointed. "Okay, point me to the ship and I'll get to work." Adventure Again (Barrrney's Barrr) Back to the Obligatory Pirate's Cove

Aventurando en Barrrney's Barrr

Comenzando con las aventuras en Barrrney's Barrr

Get Real

You belly up to the barrr and take a seat on one of the barrrstools. The barkeep, Paddy, eyes you suspiciously. He must have seen that you don't have the typical pirate's drunken-drag-queen walk. "What's yer poison?" he asks. It occurs to you that in a place like this, that question's pretty important.

"I'll just have a virgin calle de miel," you say.

"Virgin?" Paddy says, and laughs in an entirely unpleasant fashion. "The only thing virgin in here are those nerdy pirates over there!" He gestures to a corner where a group of pimply-faced, bespectacled pirates are rolling dice with way too many sides. You decide to see what they're up to.

"Okay, so you're sitting in your cubicle," one of the nerdy pirates says, "your boss comes in and tells you that you have to make a spreadsheet for a meeting tomorrow."

"My +1 Cloak of Procrastination enables me to successfully avoid working on the project until the last minute," another of the nerdy pirates answers. "I'm going to surf the internet for funny cat pictures."

"What are you guys doing?" you ask.

"It's this great game called Cubicles and Conference Calls, or C&CC," one of the nerds answers, pushing his glasses up on his nose. "It takes place in a fantastic world where there's no magic, no monsters, and you're not allowed to beat people up and take their stuff. It's really, really cool."

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard," you say. "You guys should really get out into the real world instead of spending all your time on this ridiculous fantasy crap. Why don't you go try and meet some girls?"

"We, uh, we don't know anything about girls. Girls scare us. I'd rather deal with a C.E.O., a Middle Manager, and a Nosy Coworker than talk to a girl!"

You decide that someone has to help these poor, deluded kids. You spend the next hour teaching them the ins and outs (heh heh) of the fine art of wenching, finally watching with pride as they talk to women for the first time in their lives. Moxious!

You gain 60 Sarcasm.

Adventure Again (Barrrney's Barrr)

Go back to The Obligatory Pirate's Cove

Luego vamos con las aventuras del pirata

You and the Cap'm Make it Hap'm

You wander through the barrr, avoiding a pair of pirates who are arrrm wrestling, dodging darrrts, and looking for a quiet carrrner where you can sit down for a while and try to get rid of some of the extra 'r's you've picked up. You brush by a pirate sitting in an underlit booth, his face hidden by shadow. Which, given what you've seen of the pirates so far, is probably for the best.

"Hey there, swabbie," he whispers, grabbing your elbow. "Do ye want to hear a tale of blood-curdling terror and betrayal most foul? A tale born in the salty maw of the merciless sea? A tale that's -- well, really unpleasant, I guess, would be the main point I'm trying to make here."

"No thanks," you say, "I was just looking for the bathroom."

"Be ye sure?" he says. "It's a pretty entertaining tale, and then at the end of it, I say 'and it's all true, so swears Cap'm Caronch, so swears I on me life,' and then I squints at ye and I pull this out as proof." He rolls out a scroll of parchment across the table. You see a land mass drawn on the paper, with a dotted line that marks a trail. You bend over to get a closer look.

"So, Billy's mom told him to come straight home after school, but he went all over town instead," you say, and sigh. "That's pretty impressive."

"Arrr, that be the wrong parchment! Here, here be the right one. See, it's a treasure map. What do ye make of it?"

"Well, I can make a hat, or a little boat, or a pterodactyl with --"

"Belay that bilgewater! This be a treasure map, and if ye will follow it and find the treasure I seek, ye can join my crew. What say ye?"

You acquire an item: Cap'm Caronch's Map

Adventure Again (Barrrney's Barrr)

Al usar el mapa, hay que enfrentarse a un Booty Crab, el cual nos da el Cap'm Caronch's Chest. Al llevarlo a Barrrney's, obtenemos:

This Adventure Bites

You place the nasty treasure chest on the table in front of Cap'm Caronch. He inspects it suspiciously, then smiles a broad, toothless smile. He catches your reaction to his grotesque gums and grimaces alliteratively.

"Yarr, yes, this be me nasty booty, and I thank ye for retrievin' it," he says. "I trust it wasn't too bootylicious for ye to handle." He sighs, rests his chin in his hands, and continues, "but as you can see, I have other things on me mind than treasure at the moment. The other night I went over to the frat house for a keggarrr, and sometime during the night some bilge rat hit me over the head with a shingle and knocked me out! When I came back to me senses, me wooden teeth were gone. I can't face me crew without 'em -- think of the jokes they'd make!"

"So," you say, "I suppose there's no chance you'll get up and walk the half mile to the frat house, ask for your teeth back, and meet me back here?"

"Well, I'd love to do just as ye say," the Cap'm responds, "but me bum knee has been acting up, and I think I might be comin' down with a bit of a cold, and I still haven't gotten me land legs back..."

"All right, fine," you say, and sigh. "I'll go get your teeth back from the frat boys, if you promise that we can go after that."

"Upon me word as a pirate," the Cap'm says. "Here be the blueprints for the frat house, so ye can conduct a proper search."

You acquire an item: Orcish Frat House blueprints

Adventure Again (Barrrney's Barrr)

Al usarlo obtenemos

You hike over to the Orcish Frat House and hide in the bushes. You look over the blueprints, and see several approaches to getting in and getting Cap'm Caronch's dentures back.

You can dress up like a frat boy and try to waltz right in the front door, you could pretend to be delivering something and get them to let you in the side door, or you could go all Pink Panther on it and sneak through the backyard

Al intentar el ataque frontal, obtenemos

You march up to the front door of the frat house and knock loudly. A muscle-bound frat orc opens it, looks at you, sees that you're not a frat boy, and does what frat boys do best -- beating up people who aren't frat boys.

You lose 82 hit points.

Al usar la puerta lateral, obtenemos

You knock on the side door of the frat house, and a shifty-looking frat orc with dark glasses cracks it open.

"Hey, you're not Dave. Dave's hair is business in the front, party in the back, bra. Blocko, we've got an unwanted visitor, here. Can you show him the way out?"

Blocko, who turns out to be a gigantic, angry, muscle-bound frat orc shows you the way out. He shows some of your teeth the way out, too.

You lose 111 hit points.

Y al usar Catburgle obtenemos

You manage to make it about halfway to the frat house before you're accosted by a wandering drunk frat orc. "Hey, who are you!?" he slurs, "And what are you doing in our yard, bra?"

"I'm... uhh... a new pledge," you reply, "and I'm out here cleaning up the, umm, all-male oil-wrestling pit, because, uhh, Brett told me to."

"I don't think so, bra," he counters. "When Brett makes some lowly scumbag pledge clean something, he makes that pledge wear a maid's outfit. Do you see a frilly skirt on you, bra? I sure don't."

Then the orc apparently knocks you unconscious and throws your limp form over the back wall. At least... you hope that's all that he did, in retrospect.

You lose 103 hit points.

Usando el Frat Boy Ensemble, tomando el Asalto frontal

You march up to the front door of the frat house and knock loudly. A muscle-bound frat orc opens it, and before he can speak, you say "Thanks for hookin' a bra up, bra. I totally lost my key, bra." and shuffle past him.

Once you're inside the frat house, it's a simple matter of making your way down to the basement and retrieving Caronch's dentures from the frat boys' ridiculous trophy case.

You acquire an item: Cap'm Caronch's dentures

Al regresar al Barrr, obtenemos

Step Up to the Table, Put the Ball in Play

You toss the dentures down on Cap'm Caronch's table. "Here are your wooden teeth," you say. "There are some weird stains on them, but I'm hoping those were there when you lost them. Now I get to join your crew and set sail, right?"

"Well, almost," the Cap'm says, baring his wooden teeth in a crooked grin.

"But you gave me your word!"

"I gave ye me word as a pirate," he says, "and part of the pirate's code explicitly states that a verbal contract with a pirate isn't worth the paper it be printed on. Er, on which it be printed. Anyway, only masters at the ancient arrrt of Insult Beer Pong be truly worthy of joining my crew. Ye'll have to defeat Rickets, the current reigning champion, if ye wish to sail with Cap'm Caronch."

You turn around and address the barrr: "Hey, does anyone else have a crew I can join?" A general chorus of "no for u," "no n00bs" "que diciste?" and "no how 2 bilge?" answers you.

You shrug and turn back to the Cap'm. "Okay, fine. Let's get this over with."

Adventure Again (Barrrney's Barrr)

Go back to The Obligatory Pirate's Cove

Siguiendo la aventura...

You spot a small crowd of people milling around in the corner of the barrr, and wander over to see what all the hoopla is about. They're standing around a large plank of wood resting on some barrels, with a dozen red plastic cups arranged on top. A pirate presides over the scene, tossing a small white ball up in the air and catching it as he surveys the crowd, sneering.

"Bah! 'Ave none o' ye lily-livered scallywags the brassies to challenge Old Don Rickets, ye snivellin' cravens? Too yellow to face the master, are ye, ye spindle-shanked vermin?"

"There's 'ardly any point, Rickets," says another pirate. "Not a man Jack of us 'as managed to beat ye at beer pong in months, and we're tired o' yer insultin' ways besides."

"It's insult beer pong, ye dunderheaded git! That's the point!"

"Well an' all, but ye needn't 'ave said that about me Granny. That were right uncalled for."

"Burn me an' sink me," growls Rickets, "is there naught 'ere what ain't a l

You push through the crowd and look Rickets in the eyes. "I reckon I'll take ye on, ye scurvy sea-dog," you growl, as menacingly as you can. Rickets laughs mockingly. "So the landlubber wants to face me, eh? All right, whelp, I'll take yer challenge. Beat me an' I'll give ye me title, by gad!" He laughs again. "Not that ye've a bloodless bastard's chance o' defeating me, mark ye, not in a month o' Sundays!" "Bring it, you... um... jerk," you reply. The assembled crowd sighs and shakes their heads.

Rickets smirks at you as he dribbles his ping-pong ball on the table. "Are ye ready fer yer drubbin', sprat? I'll give ye no quarter fer bein' green, by odd's blood!"

"Well," you reply, "we'd better get it over with quick, before you become completely incomprehensible."

The pirate lobs his ball at your cups. "Yer face is as foul as that of a drowned goat!" he taunts, with a sneer.

... y comienza el combate verbal (A lo Monkey Island)

Results:Shaken by Rickets' words, your faltering attempt at a retort proves ineffective. The ball sails directly into one of your cups, and the pirate sneers as you fish it out and start drinking. "By my bones, I knew ye for a whey-faced scupperlout when first I laid eyes on ye, dawcock that ye are!" he laughs.

You attempt to make up for the slip, but it's too late -- your nerve has been broken, and you soon find yourself pushing your way through the crowd, away from the beer pong table and the jeering cat-calls of Old Don Rickets.

Phooey.

Lo que hay que hacer ahora es ir a aventurar con otro outfit a la cueva de los piratas, y usar en combate The Big Pirate Insults Book... o algo así...

Los Piratas Reclutando

Hoy 4 de diciembre, los piratas comenzaron a reclutar! Es necesario andar el outfit Swashbuckling Getup!

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